11-08-2013, 12:59 AM | #2 |
Worst of the worst
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wow @ ambition
alright check |
11-09-2013, 03:26 AM | #4 |
past tense
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fuck it I wrote one anyways
mods ill have links up sooner than you think Facad of a Nation Ever so swiftly I get up, so slippery I misstep through a whistling head rush Yet I remained focused as I note this moment down and went fishing for my collective trust We set up.. awaiting the wind and what it carries, hiding amongst the space within itself It grew silent.. so we escaped and began racing to a safer basement before we begin to melt Amazing with steady pacing, no hesitation in order to lead our nation into rehabilitation Can you see the thrills I'm facing? Graciously praying for a statement that we've made it How about an exclamation? We'll never have enough time as long as we keep declining our duration.. ..that we've been given out of appreciation for our love towards human adaptation We need to crack the mold of this creation instead of debating if this is a coal or gold.. ..type of situation.. So we slowed our roll, and sold our roles in order to fold whats cold Instead of inflating our egos, why don't we stand tall and go into peace mode? Our minds and bodies steadily decreasing slow.. ..like were unintentionally executing a plan to impeach our souls I once told myself to travel down the higher roads because even progression doesn't end in miles Its wild, in fact : it lessens.. ..and when the fire scolds, expect depression winding bends like Nile flexing Even The Abysmal Waters Could Hold An Idea Simply Large Enough To End This Simple Slaughter Weaving Through Missiles and Martyrs, We Foretold Lies And Left Ourselves Crippled, Yet Smarter Believing My Vision Is Hard, Sir.. We Must Know What's Right And Put Ambition Into Our Sons And Daughters ..To Start Breathing For A Meaning, Rather Than Seeking Out What Type Of Fucking Lifestyle To Believe In.. @Ryan 12 Last edited by timeless; 11-09-2013 at 03:27 AM. Reason: Mistype |
11-09-2013, 04:21 AM | #5 |
Worst of the worst
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nah this is good ill drop tomorrow thanks
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11-10-2013, 07:37 PM | #7 |
Worst of the worst
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dropping soon
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11-10-2013, 10:15 PM | #8 |
Worst of the worst
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1,014
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Ambition
Behold an ancient mountain with peaks of iron It's rivers crying, clothed in clouds at the feet of Zion A thousand pines riddle it's silent face I walk along it's diamond base at a migrant's pace Till the fire sinks behind it's shoulders The night is soulless, I lay my head against a pillow made of grime & boulders The last words on my mind are those of - "By noon I'll have seen the face of God like the life of Moses" I wasn't divinely chosen, life gave me no path of light Only thing I was tasked to find was the madman inside I was the only son of a measly peasant Only thing he gave me was a greasy pendant Composed of scratched aluminum & silver segments Engraved with the word's "In the absence of hope, defeat is present." I arise at a moment's haste Idle eyes on a glowing face Filled with a sense of becoming Exploring awaits, adventure's demanding I'm reminded of the words of my father's thoughts And head back onto to path up north to the past I sought |
11-11-2013, 01:11 AM | #9 |
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Last edited by Ryan 12; 11-11-2013 at 03:36 PM. |
11-11-2013, 06:01 PM | #10 | ||
been that, done there.
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Quote:
Quote:
why? crisp, concise and consistent....both had strong messages, as any topic re: ambition should, however, his ability to layer metaphor on top of metaphor made for a more consistent theme in the read in my opinion. Solid reads fellas.
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11-19-2013, 06:33 PM | #12 |
White Earl
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Mordycai has potential.
I felt he was really off mechanically and strayed conceptually as well. The rhymes were very basic and have been done time and time again. I can't honestly say that I really saw anything in this verse that was entirely original. Ryan had the shorter bars and more well timed rhymes with a better grasp of where he was heading conceptually. Stayed on point more and could even note some some originals ideaas in the verse. Gotaa vote Ryan
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11-27-2013, 08:06 AM | #14 |
He / Him / His
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Mordycai - your flow isn't horrible, but you could do a little more to improve your rhyme schemes. They aren't bad, but there's not as much order to them as there could be. Especially when you mismatch multis a lot. But the main thing I'd like to see you work on is the amount of tools you're using in your writing. The only real quotable in the piece is "I once told myself to travel down the higher roads because even progression doesn't end in miles". There wasn't a whole lot of imagery, and virtually no wordplay. All of these things can aid you, even in topical battles. At the end of the day, I just felt like you were writing just to write, but nothing you said really hooked me into the piece, emotionally or lyrically.
Overall - 3/5 Smiley Faces Ryan - This was more short & sweet. The flow was impeccable, and it was definitely written the way an author would write, which is a good thing. I wouldn't say there's anything particularly quotable, so incorporating tidbits of wordplay, or just witty lines in general might improve it a little, but the imagery in the piece is evident. The only thing I'm not crazy about is how you chose to end it. It feels like it's unfinished. But it also does kind of work for the Topic at hand, so it's not a huge detriment Overall, Ryan gets 4 out of 5 Smiley Faces MVGT - Ryan, cuz he has more smiley faces Last edited by Answer; 11-27-2013 at 09:45 AM. |
11-30-2013, 11:26 PM | #15 | |
Worst of the worst
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Quote:
thanks for the vote, fagg0t 3-0 up |
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12-09-2013, 09:24 PM | #16 |
___________
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dead @ smiley faces
i may steal that |
12-09-2013, 10:19 PM | #17 |
The Throne, The Crown
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Wow, those smiley faces killed me. Hahaha.
Anywho, let's get it: Mordycai, I've read your pieces in the AOWL and it seems to me you have a grasp of topicals & know the ins & outs. I'm sure you're not new to this. With that said, I honestly feel that your piece here really fell short from what I've read from you thus far. I believe this was your first match up here? Maybe shaking off dust or just getting your feet wet and it showed. Based on the topic, I feel you didn't really connect to it. Your wording in this piece seemed off to me. This is due to your choice of terminology you used coupled a bit with your scheme which wasn't really too fluent. Lines are a bit stretched, so a better rhyme scheme would have helped a bit. But the connection to the topic wasn't very strong and your story wasn't really set very well. Towards the end it got a bit better, but beyond that a lot of hiccups. I didn't like the last two lines in the end though. I feel you definitely could have approached this much better because there really isn't an image set as I read. Structure is good, the scheme is a bit basic, lacked in the key areas overall. Ryan12, this is really my first time reading something from you outside of Discussion. I must say, I came away very impressed with what you put together. First off, this flowed very, very well. You had a nice scheme and set of pace going. I feel you did a better job here with the content in connection with the topic. Not only that, you painted a picture first, then eased in the theme perfectly. A lot of short pieces tend to miss out on key aspects, but your piece, imo, was damn near perfect in terms of rhyme scheme, imagery, content, storytelling and connection to the topic. I really see no negatives here. Great job. I got to go with Ryan12 for dropping a damn near perfect piece here that connected with the topic, painted a picture and told a solid story from beginning to end with no mishaps. MVGT: Ryan12.
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