AOWL Week 5: Red glare (2-1) VS. Zenland (2-2) OPEN FOR VOTES!!!

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due FRIDAY 3/15 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SATURDAY 3/16 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: "All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." -Edgar Allan Poe


Good luck to both participants. @Red glare @ZenLand

[Zen]

Check

[Red glare]

Seen..........

[Zen]

Will need an extension more than likely @Red glare

[Zen]

Droppin what I got so far. No time this week to write really

The Key Maker

The Key Maker, Also known as the Dream Taker goes past to be seen later
In keen prayer, In his drawer of keys Is war and peace, The more, the least,
The fours, the threes, The Lords we believe, The stores and streets
Where we mourn in grief and get scorned and teased and torn to pieces,
Born to breed and once we've bore a seed we're forced to leave
In morbid defeat restin in the scorchin heat,
The beginning was fertile now we're swimmin in circles,
The more we preach the more we lead to the core of deceit where more of us bleed,
Now we're trippin on hurdles trying to maintain, The times have changed
It's time we came to drop and stop lying to refrain from the truth of our roots
And lose the views of soothsayers and view prayers as reflections, dreams,
Not heaven's beams sending a word, It's absurd to think the message he sings
Is incur the damage that weapons bring, It's live and learn,
Give and earn, Can it, You can manage without a new bridge to burn
Because in the end we all turn to ashes, Burning pastures for the words of masters
Learning laughter and the words we chatter gather no worth or matter,
Go to church, Get fatter, Go to work, Get flatter, It's no disaster,
This has no meaning so look past your dreaming and realize the path you're seeing
Doesn't even exist, It'll leave in a glimpse once you change directions
And your brain's perceptions and attain introspections through reflection
Things will seem greater, Then you realize YOU are The Key Maker....

[Red glare]

the hostages shield - red dot; anonymous kill - ominous
filled with hollow tips followed with a brigade of velocity of
unstoppable steal polished with, rags of tallow, and ethylene
glycol solvents, sealed with the acknowledgers will; prominent
helicopter conferences atop of metropolis hill
condiments built monuments still toppling
crop less. poverty stricken, victims, siblings
vicious system, locked in affliction, wishing, twitching
sitting. shifting, jobless, evicted, hostages, listen;
they've blocked off the exits of the premises, locked off the entrance -
swat is relentless, they will not stop until I'm shot or
apprehended, boxed or cemented, chopped in a desert
or Fed to the Crocs in the sewers where toxin is restless
fluorescent and present, detectives, hectic, paramedics
forensics, epidemic, megaphone message, we get it
the lieutenant is sweating, the snipers finger is shaking
he's visible impatient, cigarette ash, flickering pavement
it's those first few seconds where decisions are taken;
that make chain of events link together, twist with abrasion
we are in situation do not move, sit stiff. keep your lips in incasement
the devil you know, the devil you don't. the encrypted relation
the minister conflicted, pacing back and forth with a dilemma
the task force; front and center, doors reinforced with a board
that'll splinter into your palms like a ember with the torque of a shredder
the negotiator clears his throat and calls for a truce
the offer is read, by the messenger, prolonged and rebuked
the minister knows the hostages, every member, be it how wrong if they shoot
his temple of worship at war, with the gong, it's his cue

the bullet. the killer. the window. the bulls eye. the stage gun.
the curtains. the props. the red dye. the fake blood.
the ransom. the crime. the make up.
all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream

sinners mind is a sanctum;

[Adonis]

ZenLand- so you had some really good lines with nice meanings, then some not so good lines. There were grammar errors here and there which is annoying to me, but I over look them sometimes. But most notably the 2nd to last line isn't proper english at all. Now if you removed 1 word it is. IDK? Things like this make urk me cuz I take time while reading for a vote and read each piece 2 to 3 times. Then it seems like I'm the only one who proof read. I'm going on a tangent sorry....it was a verse about a lot. The world I guess. The key maker essentially is life, humans and the such. Solid verse, I seen you say you didn't have time. It felt like if you fleshed it out a bit it had potential to be extremely good. As is not bad tho

Red Glare - I'm a fan, that verse was simply put, dope as shit. A story of a story...haha, a hostage situation being filmed for a movie I assume. Great detail in scenery, amazing movement through out the verse, intriguing, best flow of the week. I loved the sentences broken by six comas. Basically six sentences made by one word each to describe something going on. Dope. I truly have zero complaints about this verse and must say, in the two weeks I've been in this league, this is my favorite and its not close.


Vote - Red Glare...you both hit topic extremely well. Zen had a solid piece, but ran into a monster this week. Red simply killed every aspect I look @ while voting and did so with ease. Good battle

[PancakeBrah]

I've got Red Glare, reluctantly, because he's a fuck.

Both were nice. different tacts. Red Glare was a Black-based flow. I try to reference Black/dead man in every review because 1) he's real good and 2) i have a writer/man crush on him. it's cool. I'm pretty sure he knows. anyhoo, red glare has the whole black thing going on. lots of comas and periods to indicate stops which tricks the reader into evaluating single words/phrases and thinking they mean more than they do. it's a strong way to write. and he did it really well. really well. problem is, he took a faggot route on the topic. but it's a good verse. zenland wrote longer form sentences. which need to have dope personal relation or great fundamentals to work, in which he was hit or miss. he related to the topic better. but red glare faggot'd his way into the topic well enough to make his better verse get the vote.

i like alienating both people in a battle.

[zygote]

Zenland, only thing that would strengthen it would be to ease up on the rhyme schemes actually, sometimes seemed like they were just being put in there for the sake of it. E.g., the first two lines. Perhaps you are sacrificing coherence for increased rhymes. Enjoyed the "go to church line" good use of opposites to make an interesting phrase.

Red Glare, best part was the ending/reveal of the storyline concept it was a good twist ending. Only criticism when reading was repetition of phrases beginning with The, it's not a criticism like a technical flaw because it's correct writing, but it just gets repetitive as a reader to see so many The phrases.

Overall voted for Zenland.

[Red glare]

voting links....

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

[Objective]

Zenland: The rhymescheme was rather cluttered. The flow wasn't all that, but the story itself was interesting with the fitting metaphores. A creative approach and regarding to the topic I think you pulled it off. If you had more time on your hands I bet your piece would have been a lot better.

Red Glare: Dope rhymescheme, decent flow and I could follow your story well. Great descriptions of the event and putting a real atmosphere to your piece. It was a bit reptitive at times but I think the approach to the topic itself was cool. For some reason I also feel like you kinda moved away from the topic and just slapped a few lines to the end to make it fit. Either way; I liked the execution and the twist anyways, so it doesn't really matter, just wanted to mention it.

Vote: Red Glare. I felt his piece was better overall. Zenland had a dope thing going, but was hurt by the flow etc. I usually focus more on creativity and how the topic is flipped, but seeing how this was rather close in terms of the final execution I feel forced to focus more on the scheme in order to drop my vote. I enjoyed Zenlands verse better but Red Glare edges it with an overall better piece.

[Dove Dozer]

Zenland - Very nice. littered with multies which was good and bad in my opinion. The flow was broken for me almost because of this. I'm kinda in between on topicals which have multies like this simply because I find it takes from the storytelling somewhat. Metaphorically speaking this piece was good as well. Like objective said, I think if you had more time to work with this it couldve came off brilliant. Still pretty dope piece.

Red Glare - Wow! this was dope as shit. I liked how you got the reader with your hook on this. flow was nice multies, inners, and you sold me on your story. I thought it was easy to follow, whereas you didn't over kill the multies, but you still had em. if I make any sense. Hard to say anything bad about this verse, or give much advice on this, because it was so well put. props on a dope verse

V/Red Glare

[TYSON]

This league is the best...

Zenland...I thought your piece was dope. No I don't agree with a couple lines but I'm sure u don't agree with some of the shit I write. GO G.O.D. dope schemes, a lil wording off here and there.

Red glare....this was the best u put out this season. I have not seen anything before hand so I look at u as a newbie, lol. No offense by that. sick all around. Your approach, your imagery, your twist, and just all around good writing.

Yes, I'm more of a story guy but that don't guarantee a win unleast it has impact And RED GLARE brought that. The direct approach zen brought just didn't stand out like glare. The twist and imagery gave glare the win.

VOTE....RED GLARE

[patrown]

/v red glare- real nice . the plot turn was definitely entertaining, and rhymes were ridiculously good. can't offer any new criticism . favorite bars..
it's those first few seconds where decisions are taken;
that make chain of events link together, twist with abrasion
we are in situation do not move, sit stiff. keep your lips in incasement
the devil you know, the devil you don't. the encrypted relation
^those lines are pretty fucking deep. worry more about who you dont know than who you do because it all links together .. well. that's what i took from it.
also, enjoyed how you set up the scenery itself.. then went over the finer details, all presented straightforward enough to realize it was somehow scripted before the fake blood part really made me certain. verr nice.

zenland, your piece was very good for not having much time, that i can say with certainty. multis were entertaining and impressive. overall, i took a message of: pray for guidance, but don't expect the right door to be opened for you. got a kick out of this line especially.

Born to breed and once we've bore a seed we're forced to leave

strange how that works.. ~have kids so i can have a grandchild, but get the fuck out of my house after dinner and before dessert~ good piece, looking forward to something more developed when you have a bit more free time.

[Soulstice]

Red Glare - interesting twist on a twist (meta) the dream within a dream is literally lame, but the sinners mind wrinkle put a touch of originality on a concept done to death brought back to life and done to death again. so i wont give you too much flack for using it. the flow was cool but sometimes stumbled over itself, and the imagery was actually pretty solid in list form, although youre ultimately going to be held back from writing a fully indepth piece if you stick to that format. and i know it wasnt all in list form but quite a bit of it was.

zenland - your piece also seemed to have the stuttery flow that red glare had. i mean both flows were pretty solid but they were overly ambitious and got caught up inthemselves, trying to incorporate multis and inners eventually worked against you guys, it also sacrificed word choice a bit, clarity is always important, the flow will sort it self out. the fire wordplays toward the end were pretty hot too. ha. anyways. overall i thought you sacrificed word choice for flow a little less to your advantage than red did, and his flow was sturdier in my opinion anyways

v - red glare

[Frank]

Zenland this was your best flow yet kid. Somebody quoted the line that I felt was, to the T.
Born to breed and once we've bore a seed we're forced to leave.' But I really like this line;
'cause in the end we all turn to ashes, Burning pastures for the words of masters
Learning laughter and the words we chatter gather no worth or matter,'
You are a great ranter. They are in the moment and give you a kind of edge. Red glare, well well well, what do we have here. Major elevation from week 1. I thought the twist was unexpected and well done. Flow was pretty good. Did have a 'Black' appeal like cake mentioned. Solid verse. Keep it up. Gotta go with Zenland for a greater message though

[Frank]

RED GLARE WINS 7-2