The Story of Eve: An Alternate History

[Verb]

In a land tattered and torn, people were scattered and bourne
for a new land since theres has been shattered and scorned
blood-spattered and worn forged by war she was born to lead
Eve, she swore a creed, enemies were sured to bleed
she said, "they'll be serving me." through all four seasons
Eve and her tribe treaded sword swinging all towards Eden
She didn't want to kill and maim, She lost her still aimed
focus of the future for thrill and gain, the shame fills her frame
The blame is on her and she knows it, but shes to close to quit
she chose to committ, so they keep going until she shows a writ
from her father, it said don't bother all of your work is squandered
you will be in the desert left to wander, Eve sat and pondered
the words cut her deeply, tears flowed as she weeps a plea
to her people to stand by her sheeply as they march steeply
through the barren wasteland, They were left in the fates hand
Eve states commands her army as they march into a dire straits land
their hearts of flames are breathing, Eve's hate is seething
as they are reaching the gates of Eden to face the heathen
of deception that she's been yearning for since the wars inception
when she came to her corps conception, This land'll fall no exception
blood-soaked battle ensues, Eve with hatred in her heart, she stands
as her army is slain she starts to remember when this all began


20 years earlier

He took a rib, dust and wind, mixed them together into something then
She was named and given to a man, her patience drew abruptly thin
when Adam, the man, told her to serve him, she said no, it became worse
he beat her til near death, he says he owns her because he came first
Adam was a man to some but not to Eve..... so she planned to run
From him when he went to his land to hunt, she couldn't stand to none
of his orders, he wanted to hoard her to himself, she made it to the boarders
but she was caught by what she thought was a voice in her head with disorders
Told her, "Eve, I'm your father don't even bother to fodder any longer"
that she can't leave Adam the first man...It would lead to his dishonor
She was afraid of the voice so she went back and stay with no choice
Eve became the model wife, did all her man's desire, he prayed and rejoiced
The voice came to her again and said, "God, your father decrees
that you to not touch the tree's leaves, don't ask just believe"
Adam was disturb by the words so he hit her, She heard a whisper
it wasn't god this voice differs, if you eat the fruit he will gift her
with knowlege of all time so she saw a small vine and stalled but climbed
every tooth anf nail scrapped to the top, excited on what she'd find
she didn't partake and eat, she decided that she would make a break and leave
even though she didn't know of the world beyond, if it was safe or freeze,
She was free finally untill a flash of light blinding red with a louder boom
"How dare leave my garden! I knew you'd be trouble , I had doubted you
and now my child you'll be hunted til you die, you need to choose right!"
She had no fear of god only rising hate, She screamed with venom "You lie
and your a fraud, i'll bring you down." all her days she tore and clawed
her way started this day with a sured facade when Eve declared a war on god

Present day.


Blood stained the fields of eden, Eve meets the general of god
he was careful yet flawed.....Her heart, she feels it beating
Eyes of flames her sword she raised and The generals helm's displaced
reaveling his face of Adam, she wonders how his blood would tastes
She struck her sword agains his flesh to where blood was spotted
she sawed, ripped and torn slowly through Adam's coratid
as he begged and pleaded he wanted to be safe he conceded
to her saying he is a man and god both, her strength was needed
but she didn't believe any word,she was a tough and real broad
he was a man playing omnipotent, she'll be known as the woman who kills god

[Concrete]

What the hell is this feminist propaganda? Nah, just kidding, I think your effort for this one deserved at least some reaction. From a technical viewpoint you started really good in the first part with sharp rhymes that for most part didn't come off as forced. I got the feeling you sort of drifted off somewhere in the middle of the second part, less impressive internals and some spelling errors, etc. I would also suggest you strip your sentences of all excessive words, making the read less heavy. The overall story though was dope and thought provoking, especially with the ending in mind. If you're still around, keep doing your thing.

[Cereal_Killa]

OMG..

straight forward, from RM i have seen a billion post of you.. and i had never read one of your pieces..

annnnndddd my lorde, its hot..




blood-spattered and worn forged by war she was born to [I]lead[/I]
Eve, she swore a creed, enemies were sured to bleed

A life cycle, for the first four bars, that ish is crazy..


her way started this day with a sured facade when Eve declared a war on god

The personal touch in between is on fire as far as emotion..

he was a man playing omnipotent, she'll be known as the woman who kills god

This is what's crazy, story wise.. you capture the madness, tie it all up and forge the aggression she horded to benefit through life.. to push forward even with pain..

highly impressed :)

thank you.

[Cereal_Killa]

soz dbl kicked it..