AOWL Week 6: Brass Body (0-0) VS. TopicalDood5 (0-0) [TOPICALDOOD5 wins, 8-3.]

[Frank]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/23 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/24 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

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You must vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

TOPIC

"The Scholar" - (selected by Adonis)

Good luck to both participants. @Brass Body @TopicalDood5

[Brass Body]

Hmm. I'll post tonight.

[Brass Body]

Any great warrior is also a scholar, and a poet, and an artist.

Pride of Lowell, when I ignite, there's no sight of a white towel,
my strikes are foul, throwing rights until these guy's lights are out.
Goodbye for now, lightening isn't half as blinding as my haymaker,
surprise the crowd, thriving simply from fighting these day breakers.
Ten rounds of pain, surrounded by hounds who prowl on prey,
my ground is laid, brain bouncing around from clouts and sways.
My mouth aches, legs numb from blood flooding out my face,
count to eight, break this lame's esophagus once I found my pace.
My arm is raised, the scars leave wishes like stars in outer space,
if Mars had a stage, Martians would witness my art of power displayed.
My heart is enslaved, God pardon my image but a coward, I ain't,
I'm a shark in waves... an artist who's lifted by that hour of fame.
Things started to fade, the cards were played and I fell apart with age,
darkness was my cage, sharpened my faith but Hell barred my chains.

A scholar no more; I'm stronger, a monster who conquered the sport,
no longer on course, I pondered and wondered off from offers of war.
Conjure the norm, shoot, maybe I'll tie my boots after I fall to the storm,
Arturo vs Ward; two of the greatest lives to bloom from the boxing form.
Essence of the ring, we've crossed the line between legends and kings,
left with the breeze... boxing hasn't been right since the death of Gotti.
Presence is key, we were shocking audience without the help of a tweet,
best in the scene... knocking out anybody with the spell of a swing.
We lived the dream, didn't listen to media or give it anything to eat,
just fists and technique, submitted an entire living by giving up peace.
Pride of Lowell, days and nights under those lights, my life was sound,
my strikes were foul, now I drain time like it's a Guinness stout.

[Soulstice]

in here

[Soulstice]

mad props for dropping early. im drunk and would really appreciate an extension. ik my newcomer/(obvious alias) status doesnt really warrant it, but ill drop tomorrow afternoon EST :)

[Soulstice]

Nothing but cobwebs, corners, and a candle - a dusty cubicle furnace
But if the flame reveals nothing is it fruitless to burn it?
...
It was here many years ago, a scholar made peace with the stars
A resting place for his truths that would bleed from his heart
Like a speech of Venus and Mars, the frequencies that scream from the spheres in the sky
Of science and symphonies, of where you appear when you die
But I fear that his mind, had only a single maxim to posit
& the darkness still speaks of it, the phantoms still gossip

And he believed he reaped it from the tree of endless wisdom
Like clever mystics wishing on metal sigils
upon temple fixtures - the petals glisten, his mind a verdant matrix
Of arbor in bloom - where the sun shines, until skies hearken his doom
Signaling challenges of relaying mathematics from the dark of a tomb
He keeps his furor patient, as his physical fades - but his burning rage
Augments the struggle in perfecting the ways he can keep the future turning his pages!
And his cauldron - it bubbles, questing after that mystical flower
In his forested mind but its growing wizened and sour
The dark clouds blot out the sun rays - the day time, it must fade
Further theory that dusk-to-dawns on his face in a dumbed haze

His passing words, his legacy - how difficult to punctuate
When you can't escape the blood-lust of fate
In this theory, nothing pays...
- A scholar dedicated to the art of training the mind
Is now waiting to die, and painfully straining to find
Why he walked this path embraced with the chains of his life
So that he's unable to fly..

As he fades, he seeks immortality, but nothing recalls
Because even the man who knows everything, knows nothing at all.

[Adonis]

Battle of the god awful screen names huh? JK, not really though

Brass Body - First off, very nice flow sir. There were only minor hiccups due to wording, rather meanings of lines I.e "If Mars had a stage, Martians would witness my art of power displayed" To me this doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece..IMO. I also am not in love with the use of the topic, but I never really judge too much on that aspect. I see the attempt at imagery but yet feel imagery potentially could have overshadowed this entire verse, but there was not enough to do so. I mostly enjoyed the final stanza, it tied the topic together with the first stanza but simply put, explained everything. Most notably you delved into who the character is, during and after his career. Solid piece, I enjoyed it, especially the way it read, very quick, to the point yet didn't lack detail.


TopicalDood5 - I love the opener, cobwebs, corners and a candle. Nice imagery to kick shit off. First read, very wordy, too much for my taste in fact. 3PA? Deep piece, I can't sift out the focal point or meaning of it all. It has layers of knowledge which is cool. But, in the end too vague and not enough of the "point". I took it as a literal scholar, just a man, not sure how that ties into Venus and Mars however. This piece was filled with discreet imagery that I loved, the dark skies, a withered wise man trying to figure out the secret of immortality. But alas, we all die. All in all, solid verse, deep with quite a bit of imagery.


Vote - Brass Body - This is a close call for me, I think you guys both formatted very well, nice rhyme schemes and I loved the change up in topical dude's second stanza. You both had imagery, more for topical, but then on the other hand Brass hit me with emotion of a fighter grown old whose given everything he had to give. Also, one was a bit too wordy for my normal likes, but make no mistake, both of these verses were written extremely well by two vets who have obvious talent, yet one, I felt was executed just a bit better. great verses to you both.

[IamBenT]

Tough.

Brass - I love your flow and multis, very vivid imagery and great use of writing in a circle to end it and paint a very poignant picture that many older *ahem* folks such as myself can relate to. I like your creativity in terms of applying to the topic the concept of boxer as scholar of pain, but the link wasn't as clear as i would have liked to see. A couple of places near the end that could have been cleaned up imo lyrically but a very strong sense of voice throughout.

Topical - great diction, your imagery is stellar and the first half of this verse could stand up against anything I have read so far this week. Multis are creative and original, only problem I really had was that some of the wording could have been altered to make your lines not stand out and seem as awkward, when you get that down you shall be a beast indeed. Ending was great too

Vote -TopicalDood5, better overall verse, terrible screen name though lol jp man Good battle from the both of youse

[Vinzr]

Had to go through both verses a second time to come to a decision. Both came nicely with a concept and developed it well throughout their piece. Brass i really enjoyed reading your piece flow and rhyme scheme were on point, well written here...and what i really liked about your verse was the consistency, you remained in tact throughout the whole piece. Topical , the imagery in your piece really surprised me...wording like the above 2 said tho kinda took a bit out of the effectiveness of your verse though. Nonetheless i really liked it. Gotta say i thought brass slightly edged this one with the better execution

v/ Brass

[Zen]

Damn great battle you two for your first week here. Props.
Brass Body: As a huge boxing fan I fucking loved the story here. The read was easy as hell because of your writing. Great multies dispersed throughout the piece to get it entertaining and create a truly vivid image of the damage incurred on a boxer during his career. All in all I gotta say you've got talent man. I enjoyed this props.
TopicalDood5: I hate your name, but from the opening line of your piece I knew I was gonna love your piece haha. You have a way with words truly that makes every line a standout and repeatable. That's something that's very hard to do and I have to give you props for that. As far as the story goes, excellent story and I have nothing negative to say about it because I loved the approach.

Overall great first week showing from both of you guys, but honestly I'm leaning towards TopicalDood5....but change your name please.

[Split]

Brass Body,

Pride of Lowell,

>the scholar
>writes about heavyweight boxers
>rhymes Lowell with the towel/ fowl.
>u fuckin wot m8

naw, it was an ok story. like watching a documentary on a boxer, without the humanizing details. it was too surface-driven for me. wording was smooth if a bit predictable, but no complaints. it was kind of like a flex in the context of a topical. ive liked your other works much more, the writing was satisfying but the story was merely sufficient.

Topicaldood5.

But if the flame reveals nothing is it fruitless to burn it?

that was a poor line.

It was here many years ago, a scholar made peace with the stars
A resting place for his truths that would bleed from his heart
Like a speech of Venus and Mars, the frequencies that scream from the spheres in the sky
Of science and symphonies, of where you appear when you die
But I fear that his mind, had only a single maxim to posit
& the darkness still speaks of it, the phantoms still gossip

that was gr8 except "maxim" really was not.

And he believed he reaped it from the tree of endless wisdom

^that line saved your entire verse.'


the rest was good.

I thought the philosophical aspect of it and the descriptions of the various pursuits of knowledge were on point, didn't connect with your character, except through his fate. writing was great except for some really painfully awkward word choices in a couple spots.



I have Topicaldood5 winning this one. I enjoyed the sincerity of his writing, and what it gave me to think about was more rewarding than the visual display that Brass Body put on in his mill town featurette. Good battle.

[Vulgar]

Brass Body - Alright, so this was straight. The way you tackled the theme was inventive; can't go wrong with explaining the chronicle of a series of wars between two viciously attacking boxers who are trying to snatch victory. I think the way you flow works, but in some cases it doesn't. Some parts seemed like they rhymed just for the sake of rhyming, which is understandable. Your insistence on using a signature multi-pattern can work against you though. I'll try and explain what I mean with two examples:

Ten rounds of pain, surrounded by hounds who prowl on prey,
my ground is laid, brain bouncing around from clouts and sways.
^clouts and sways doesn't really fit here tbh.


My arm is raised, the scars leave wishes like stars in outer space,
if Mars had a stage, Martians would witness my art of power displayed.
^The esophagus line was solid but then you committed to continuing into the next set of bars and this bar was wack to me. Stars in outer space, Mars and martians have nothing to do with Arturo Gotti or Mickey Ward, for me at least. It disturbed the waters.

Presence is key, we were shocking audience without the help of a tweet,
best in the scene... knocking out anybody with the spell of a swing.
^"Spell of a swing" isn't cutting it for me. Not a sensible way of referring to a knockout blow.

TopicalDood - Soulstice? lol. If it's not Soulstice, it's definitely someone I've read before. I thought this worked because of your sheer grasp on the language, which was skilled and full of quality moments. Lyrically, it was on point. On the down side, the whole 'majestic' feel it had, scholarly if you will, came off a bit corny at times. It was flowery, presented in a decadent manner, verbose, but it wasn't really saying all that much. It felt like a proverb rocket that drew a blank but was still pretty to watch unfold in the night sky.

Vote - TopicalDood

[Soulstice]

http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread....OPEN-FOR-VOTES!

[patrown]

/v brass body - you just earned a fan. i'm not sure why that flow has me by the booboo like it does, but you got me.
multiples and syllable counts lined up like something to model my own after. favorite lines..
A scholar no more; I'm stronger, a monster who conquered the sport,
no longer on course, I pondered and wondered off from offers of war.
only advice i could give would be to stray away from the scheme of rhyme comma longer rhyme. the commas between breaths were a bit predictable, it's not that i didn't like any of it at all- that's just all i can give you as far as advice goes.

topicaldood5- your verse didn't go into as much of a chronological setting.. was more of a philosophical pondering than a story with a start and finish. i can't hold either approach above one another, but it's an observation i feel relevant to deciding a victor between the two of you. the reason for this is.. i couldn't really find a conclusion to your story. it's not that it wasn't good, or insightful. i just didn't feel the story wound to an end.
these bars are an example of my why i made my decision.
upon temple fixtures - the petals glisten, his mind a verdant matrix
Of arbor in bloom - where the sun shines, until skies hearken his doom
Signaling challenges of relaying mathematics from the dark of a tomb
He keeps his furor patient, as his physical fades - but his burning rage
Augments the struggle in perfecting the ways he can keep the future turning his pages!
And his cauldron - it bubbles, questing after that mystical flower
In his forested mind but its growing wizened and sour
his mind, his burning rage, his pages.. his cauldron. all were beginnings to me. i felt like these bars could've been broken up and developed to lead into one another in a more cohesive way, offering the reader a story they could get into. altogether, this imagery is tangible.. and each point was taken in turn. but as a whole, i didn't feel like i was along for the ride as much as a spectator. the emotions you're relating are excellent.. but stringing it all together with a major end conclusion would've been a major turning point in my opinion.

[Ink]

Brass Body:
My first impression when I read through the piece was that the connection to the topic was kind of weak.. Yes, you pasted that quote in the beginning, and you had that one "scholar no more" line.. but it just didn't feel like you tackled the topic head on. The entertainment factor was definitely ther. The rhymes threaded throughout didn't feel overdone and there was some vivid moments.

TopicalDood5:
Powerful way to start this piece. I think the way you formatted some of these lines lended itself more to be heard rather than read... That third stanza for example, I got tripped up here and there because you switched the structure in terms of rhymes..
ie:

And he believed he reaped it from the tree of endless wisdom
Like clever mystics wishing on metal sigils
upon temple fixtures - the petals glisten, his mind a verdant matrix

just something to consider... you definitely have a solid vocabulary in your arsenal, which was refreshing to see. I did feel the fourth stanza was a little below par compared to your others, but that ending line was killer.

Vote: TopicalDood5.. Brass Body had a great verse too, but TopicalDood5 was more solid between the two.. and had some powerful moments

[Cereal_Killa]

Mike:

Man this was tiiiaght.. The rhythmic flow from your cretic lines made this hit direct and punchy at the same time your constant combination of them made this run smoothly.. Representing Mickey Wards fighting style in the ring.. A few times this altered but not dramticly where a reader would be pushed away.. All in all vocab strong, cool structure and the delivery of the tale though not too much to it progressed at a solid rate.. Sweet piece mate..

Topic:

Dude is dope, straight up.. Your imagery was easily the strongest element of this verse.. With a wide range of colours you painted a wonderous yet looming picture, with a potent point at the end.. Delivered well with quality language and a working irregular rhyme scheme.. This was hot.. Story itself cool, you really did capture the aura of a scholar imo.. sort of making him represent somewhat like a wizard of unimaginable knowledge.. I highly enjoyed this..

Vote = topicaldood5

Mike I hope you don’t take the playful bullshit in the chat lounge too serious.. man you can write, this week you got shunted out by some seriously extreme imagery by dood5 who captured is character stronger.. I think this was an awesome match and hope wrecka stays signed in.. GL to both yall brought some flames..

[Frank]

Welcome to the AOWL, Gentleman. Competition just got a little steeper.

Brass. You came out the gate swinging. You threw the first punch of Week 6. Not quite a knockout. Verse was like a tuesday night bar fight. You had a good flow. Thing is I know your a better fighter then this. This was a sparring session. You didn't break a sweat kid. While you were drinking your guinness, the other guy woke up and broke a table over your head. You have speed but you do you have the power to knock someone out? Topical Dood 5. If you are Soulstice I have heard alot about you. You are a made man. Your name lingers in my mind amongst the greats. This verse was straight. It went along with the topic. On entertainment enjoyment level, I give this battle to Brass. From a technical, topical standpoint MVGT TopicalDood5

[King Ra.]

Dagel, I hear that your verse was considered HOF worthy & even you believe your verse is HOF worthy? From what I read this week, you are a good writer, but if your thought process is that level of conceitedness all the time, that's a shame. I liked your storytelling for the most part. Your first stanza was better written that the second, but overall, it was solid. The comparison of a boxer to a scholar was cool, and you even did a good job with your descriptions. Rhyme scheme was okay, though it felt bland at times. There were some parts that just did not connect well though with your story, like what Vulgar pointed out, but nothing too drastic. TopicalDood, you went the conceptual like route, and as everyone else has probably stated, your imagery was a standout. I feel imagery is one of my best strengths in writing, and what you did here with it was off the charts. Like a few other pieces I've read this week, this had knowledge, a philosophical touch which I thought you did well in presenting, meshed with the use of imagery very well. Your scheme was solid. There was one or two places where I was thrown a bit off, but aside from that small issue, everything was good. So we have again, another story going up against a conceptual piece. Dagel's piece was nice, well written but I felt Dood's piece was that and then some, a more intriguing take on the topic with great imagery.

MVGT: TopicalDood5.

[King Ra.]

TOPICALDOOD5 wins, 8-3.