SEMIS: (1)dead man vs. (R)Nigma - (DEAD MAN WINS 6-1)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@dead man @Nigma

Verse Deadline: 2/15/2014
Voting Deadline: 2/18/2014
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Topic


Good luck to both.

[dead man]

In

[Nigma]

uhhhh huh

[dead man]

Alyssa -



i remember you well. you're a headrush, a high
oily blonde, skin dry, bleach white. dusk in July
we met between classrooms, disenchanted goodbyes
and degenerate friends with whom we identified
you triple layered mascara. Madam Raccoon in disguise
i would tease you, only wishing to look into your eyes
blue as the sky. translucent, dilated, foolish, misguided
your green thumb. roses bloody red. mushrooms psilocybin
love without a name for it. 16 with a license
we'd park the car just to kiss and smoke in comfortable silence.
perfume violet. sweet like stevia. compassionate victim
of your scent. a memoir slave to my olfactory system
you made decisions. i listened. we bonded over addiction
choking out sentences. breathing boa constricted
when smoking sections existed. before camels were blue
empty parking lots and alleys after classes were through
candlelight between us. bread and water and time
your stare was Gemini. i don't remember your sign
but i remember you well. scarred, resentful and wise
often resigned. so much to hide. your smile would kill me inside
but i obliged. an ex-boyfriend who committed suicide
was the root of all your pain. the catalyst for you and I
you would cry. flick your lighter. whisper under your breath
shoot yourself with opioids and razor your flesh
run into the bathroom. i would ask for the check
come back. adjust your bandages. as numb as it gets
before money or debt. landlords, mortgage and rent
corpses and death were a condition of your company kept
you read Kerouac at 12. Richard Brautigan next
Vonnegut texts at home. a Honda full of Chomsky cassettes
bourgeois intellectual. Kafka, coffee and toast
ballet class at 7 is when she started to smoke, she says
her confidence rose - no appetite, so light on her toes
quit at 9 until she found a body. naked and cold
with a note on the sink. lined paper, sharpie in bold
bathwater rosy red like the garden she grows.
you told me once, it's ritual. there's prayer in the smoke
i'm with you always. waiting while you're chasing a ghost

i remember you so well. O, morose valentine
i want to thank you. thank you, cause you tried
i can't forget you. i'm sorry. god, i hope you're alive
even though i couldn't let you let me die.





DEADMAN

[Nigma]

bang

the ripples rough, im left quivering in percussion
came slithering in from nothing. strains quilted in a pop
from grains of dust my frames construction came abrupt
decayed from such outrageous love, the bass, it fades
and rays erupt ablaze, the couple mates and sucks my cadence
On to aching, cradle, baby stuff, the new coming features
youth, comes sweet and with a few bumped pieces like a two month fetus
the tubes clutch me amidst the hue-MON SPECIES
Although I grew unseen you knew that some-thing was askew
1 week since it was due.. well geeze I guess the truth runs deep
I look to you mommy but the younger you-fucked-me
every new puff your bic lit, my tomb comes creepin
in your glued lungs, leaking, and the goo sludged me
phew.. huff, wheezing. i’m a brute, SUCK, breathing
wonder who? what blunder? while the blues haunt
seeing all these new taught fiends who watch
the tube, “God’s” preacher , he produces thoughts
Reaching for a new box, took it to the massive picture,
hooded robbers, phantoms of their crooked daughters
shackled by the good imposters, candle withered
handled by tobacco and the hook that each its ads deliver
bookies? morales? cash em in. rebuke that sorta passion
its an asset to the crooks and all the bandits,
now they gladly package ash that kills them
add in all the additives in factories and brand it different
glamorize it, have it in their acting, try and catch the villain
passerbyers AND civilians. Man, their wives, and at their children
in the end, it’s clear, their fuels driven: sent on to retune their wisdom
wreck it and renew it, then to engineer consumerism
tempered steel, the bluish tinge directs whats seen of innocence
its methods seem surreal, to deal: arrest a tenth the citizens
so send em into clinics, written records of arithmetic
go get your teacher presents so your presence is in vision kid
then spend collective millions on events invented villainous
resent the present feelings, misdirecting, ethers killing us
so please surrender willingly or action will be militant
degrees of faction builders seem to stack you like the pyramids
and each will brand demeanors to attack you at the clearance bin
their ghastly spirits raptured, manufactured stroking fear within
your fashion faced infatuated graduate appearances
go set on your careers and you'll respect your leaders influence
perspectives clear of sin but indirectly steers your infants lids
it's flatly seen as hazardous and massive as their building bids
you capped ya credit, cram more in it, pass on and we'll bill the kin
implant the seeds of cancer in the hands of half a billion kids

[oats]

Black: you brought her to life in vivid, three-dimensional detail. Not only the character, but the atmosphere around her. This is at least 3 girls I know rolled into one. The line that stuck out most to me was "love without a name for it, 16 with a license." That's it, exactly. There was a wind of youthful excitement and emotional adventure (love, just before you really knew what that meant) that ran through this, albeit in the shadows of depression and realization of how pointless and heavy life can be. Not to be cliche, but this was a true coming of age story in many ways, which resonates with me deeply. Told from the perspective of a friend-zoned crush. Idk, I thought this was near-perfect. A very sad, very real, and genuine adolescent experience. Beautiful.



Nigma: The first thing that stuck out was the rhyme scheme and cadence, very rhythmic and fun to read. The bounciness, however, moved me a long pretty swiftly, and it was sometimes disorienting. Like this first part:

the ripples rough, im left quivering in percussion
came slithering in from nothing. strains quilted in a pop
from grains of dust my frames construction came abrupt
decayed from such outrageous love, the bass, it fades
and rays erupt ablaze, the couple mates and sucks my cadence
On to aching, cradle, baby stuff

don't get me wrong, this was dope to read, but I had a hard time making sense of it all. Not just as a whole section, but even individual pieces of it were too blurry to create a vivid image for me - I don't know what to make of "strains quilted in a pop," for example.

That same issue repeated itself for me. At first I thought this was about a pregnant, young girl smoking, then I figured this to be a comment on tobacco advertisements and their effects on young people, and the final part felt like a call to arms to take down the tobacco industry. Overall it just didn't feel like a single, fluid piece - I was hoping you'd spend some time at the end wrapping it all together somehow, but it just kinda screeched to a halt.



Vote: I got Black taking this. Nigma's verse never took off for me. Whereas Black's imagery was vivid and real, Nigma's never anchored enough for me to grasp it fully. Good work to both men.

[Lars]

Nigma - I feel like i'm echoing Oats sentiments in so much as the technical standpoint, you had a LOT of rhymes in this which in one sense helped your flow tremendously and made a long read seem all the shorter, your flow was better here in comparrison to some of your other earlier drops, but I agree in that at parts there was so much happening and you had such focus on rhyming the hell out of it that the point you were making got lost and then found itself again throughout the piece. Personally I didn't like what you did with the hueMON SPECIES line, I thought it came off as forced and like you were trying too hard. Especially when you're up against someone like Black who's reads are more natural sounding, it kind of amplifies small things like that, and it stood out glaringly as I read through yours. It felt like a lot was happening at once, which I guess in one sense conveys what you were trying to go for, but in another it just detracts from the reader slightly and makes it not seem as focused.



Black - I think i'd have liked to see you do more with the topic, it seems this kind of route is your well-troden affair and I've seen you write plenty in a similar vein? We all have our comfort zones, and I liked this, but I can't help but feel like you've covered this and could have done more with the topic given if I'm honest. The rhymes and wording were on-point as ever though, your narrative and writers voice are obviously where you excel and you don't disappoint in that sense. I feel like I am leaning to Nigma more conceptually, I just wish he had executed his idea better, but then Black's overall writing - not just basing it on a mechanics only thing becaused I feel they can be overdone and Nigma definately was guilty of that here - was superb and outshone his opponent. Black got it.

[Frank]

I gotta go against the grain here.

I've read this battle a bunch of times, at different times of day, in different order, and the lasting impression is a photo finish victory, in my opinion, in favor of Nigma. Deadman wrote in simpler, toned down writers voice which could be perceived as the adolescent aspect of it all. The rhyme schemes were just ok. Some double backs, but all in all, it read lackluster, which could be attributed to, once again, you writing with a young, naive writers voice.
..
I enjoyed the splashes of color. The black and white photo was dabbed with a brush here and there with touch ups. I do not want to echo another voter, but I do feel you played it safe and wrote a standard verse here. I was not particularly impressed with this verse. There was a sense of momentum, but it never really caught fire. It was a predictable approach, executed at a kind of stop and go pace, like a car, that cant quite accelerate to that next gear. The verse was like a birthday candle - Every line was a candle: pretty and plasticky, the kind of candles that keep going out though so, you gotta keep lighting them up - by the time you blow out the candles, the affect just isn't the same. I liked/disliked the idea of her reading foreign authors. It did not connect for me, it destracted me in a good way, it was so heavy for rather light character sketch. I know what you were going for. In that sense, you succeeded, At this level, at this point, maybe you rested on your laurels a little bit.
..
Nigma, the overall vibe I got was an over arching umbrella of birth defects raining down, wetting the asphalt, splattering in dry area: until the entire ground is one color. Your rhymes/content do not bombard you, they whisk you along with complimentary pretzels and headrest pillows. This piece came off as water and oil in a cup. You wrote this in 2 sittings: I could tell. I picked up on the frequency shift. Your rhyme schemes were technically savy here and there, a few impressive turn of phrases. Your mechanics may have suffered here and there though and were no where near as Sure as your opponent, but were on par for the most part, though I truly believe Black delivered his with childlike qualities purposefully.
..
Nigmas verse read like an abortion of a fetus to me. It was personification early on but it turned into a Stand in the latter portion.



I got Nigma winning by a hair with his last line


1

[Just Write]

This was an awesome battle.

Dead man, you really never cease to amaze me, everyone of your pieces ive read have been technically perfect with a beautiful flow but also never seem to be lacking in the vocab department. No different here, i loved every bit of this piece. The park the car for comfortable silence was a dope line and pretty relatable to most young guys (or when we were young). I think what makes a great writer is the ability to connect to the reader on a personal level whether it be past experuences or just taste in general and you do that very well.

Nigma, this was also a really great piece. I don't know if im a fan of a super multi and inner filled piece tbh, sometimes to it it comes off as a little choppy and repetitive. Not only that i had a hard time trying to decypher a few parts.. for example the part oats mentioned, i didnt understand it. There was definitely more positives than negatives but i don't think it was enough this time.

Mvgt dead man

[Certain]

dead man: Your word choice was so precise, which was key in executing the extended metaphor without hitting readers over the head with it. The subtlety was much appreciated. I still don't know how you work your flow out to be so smooth for the most part, but the one negative is that the tiny little creases seem like huge flaws. That was the case in the bumpiest section of the verse, the middle part about the boyfriend and the bathroom. Content-wise, that didn't hit quite as hard as I think you were hoping, in part because the extended metaphor kind of got a little lost in the actual events. But also, the "razor your flesh" line was a slight break in the flow. But that's all nitpicking. What you did here was very well-executed and a good display of your skill. At first, the verse seemed a little like something El Pancake would write. But this was distinctly dead man, all the way down to "Kafka, coffee and toast." How many times have you used those four words in a verse, perhaps not together? I haven't read other votes, but I do bet that at least one or two people will miss the metaphor entirely. That's kind of proof that you executed it well. But lines such as "your smile would kill me inside" and "i hope you're alive / even though i couldn't let you let me die" and "we met between classrooms" and "we bonded over addiction" really submitted to me that this was more than a smoking friend you were describing. Or was it exactly that, a literal smoking friend?

Nigma: This is the Nigma I remember. You really took it up a notch with this verse, delivering the same complex rhyme scheme but doing it with more fluidity and a greater focus on impactful content. This by far is your best verse of the tournament. But it was a bit cluttered. You had so much to say and put such an emphasis on rhymes that you didn't fully develop any of your many thoughts. They got lost in this endless string of rhymes and thoughts. Cleaner organization and transitions were necessary to get to the heart of the issue of the tobacco industry's power and the effects of cancer and pregnant women smoking and marketing to kids and all the other stuff you had wrapped up in this verse. You often need to pull back a little on your rhymes to embrace your content, but your reluctance is understandable since the rhyming is what makes your style so distinct and difficult. And it is difficult, for better or worse. But it felt like you kept poking me with the points on the ends of emotional hooks without ever digging in and pulling. The rhyming kept the verse moving, but further rereads left me wanting more from the content.

Vote: dead man

[Dill Pickle]

I don't feel the loser should think negatively of themselves or their writing. These things really are more about producing pieces you're proud of.

Black did a character piece and Nigma went with social commentary. Nigma, I thought (like others) that your style worked against you here. Yours read as more of a rap verse, which is fine, I like rap, but when I'm reading Black's verse it comes across as literature. It gives his verse a flow better suited to being read. Nigma's assault on tobacco companies was also a bit all over the place. I got the sentiment, but it was delivered in a kind of rushed and (beautiful but) sloppy way. It was technically sound, and skilled, but conceptual delivery was lacking a little.

Again, I think winners and losers on things like this are somewhat counterproductive, but it's what gets people motivated, so...

Vote - Black

[Lars]

LOL HOMIE GOT ONE POST AND IT'S IN HERE FOR BLACK?!

SEEMS LEGIT

[zygote]

Good approach from both. dead man, you demonstrated an good understanding of some different catalysts or triggers for the substance use, without spending words going into it, reflecting like a bad or distant memory you just bring it up once then leave it, very cool. E.g., the small parts about friends ‘who with we identified.’ and then triggers for turning into substance abuse ‘an ex-boyfriend who committed suicide.’ Also liked the characterization in that part with all the name-dropping of different poets and authors, it really captured the posture of the character in the image. The non-multiple rhyming last 2 lines ending was very effective as well. Enjoyed the ambiguity of what happened to the character as well. You give some different clues, perhaps suicide, perhaps anything, it reflects the nature of long-term substance abuse, how it is possible to become disconnected from society, friends, family. Very focused effort, every section was moving in the same direction.

Nigma, it was a more ambitious approach but can’t help but feeling it perhaps would have worked better a satirical attack on the tobacco industry rather than the serious tone adopted. There is a good film movie about it called “Thankyou Smoking.” The black and white noir-like picture of the young child with the cigarette in hand and especially the posture cried out for an absurd treatment. You had a great idea to go for tobacco industry but perhaps a slightly less effective tone. Satirical might have been more effective than serious. That aside, you were consistent with the tone and brought up some different themes throughout, recurring themes of civilization and socialization were good considering social aspects to substance use and the culture of substance use. More perhaps could have been written about the changing perspective towards cigarettes. Even when feeling this small emotion of missed potential here and there while reading, still enjoyed it immensely. The deciding factor is overall cohesive quality, while dead man’s seemed all focused some parts of Nigmas seemed to miss a little bit of overall cohesion between the different aspects. Voting for dead man.

[Split]

both wrote incredible verses, IMO. nigma went for a more challenging approach which should be lauded, mechanics were fire. Black ethered the young-romance topical genre. the characters in Black's work came to life in a much more visceral, emotionally-endearing fashion. it was the nature of his verse. nigma toyed with words and written language in a more complex and intricate manner, unfortunately some of the intri***ies were lost in the unidirectional storytelling method.

you ever see those gifs that have two perspectives and they shift back and forth and make it look 3D? that's how i feel about Dead Man's verse. he introduced a dialogue of thought and it really rewarded the reader, he gave insight into multiple perspectives within his verse that made this feel like it was possibly a real experience... very, very real. Nigma wrote excellently but i feel as though his approach simply could not appeal to the reader in the emotional way that dead man's did, it feels almost unfair.

i read the battle and thought about it and would have voted for Black, I dont feel good about my decision.

[Vulgar]

Black - I wasn't as fond of this one as I usually am of your work. It wasn't as... all enveloping as is custom.

you read Kerouac at 12. Richard Brautigan next
Vonnegut texts at home. a Honda full of Chomsky cassettes
^This part stood out to me because you said 'Vonnegut texts' - didn't like the way you worded that, it read forced to me. Why not just books by Vonnegut? I'm guilty of weird references so I can't talk myself but during a topical verse I'm a little nitpicky towards jagged instances of wording.

The rhyming and pacing was done very well. Maybe a bit on the safe side. You might find this to be a strange comment but I find you try more on your open mics than your topical battle verses. Greater pressure is placed on epic quality in your OM drops vs. in your topicals, the tone tends to be more leisurely and places less emphasis on flashier, riskier conceptual undertakings. It was solid.

Nigmatic - This one was an athletic body. It did, however, lack flexible muscle fibers. The coordination was all off for me. On the plus side, I thought the rhyming in the beginning was really tight. Your rhyme schemes remind me of Beast1333 - I'm sure you've heard of him before, check him out on Youtube. I think you need to work on organization of the subject matter. Lay it all out...but show us the way. Let us see the torches and "project" the main idea more.

Vote - dead man