I bet you hate it

YDK · 03-17-2014, 03:15 AM

From the first moment I saw you my life changed,
Cupid shot me like we were at a rifle range.
Light framed your body, and a slight pain stopped me,
"she's too good to be true" and how could you not be?
Beautiful skin tone, with the hair of a goddess,
the face of an angel but still you were modest.
A sense of humor that understood my unusual antics,
I wanted to paint you a portrait; I lacked a suitable canvas.
Instead I decided to use words with more musical tactics,
But the music never played; my words were anticlimatic.
Yet love was didactic, it never ceased to believe,
that one day we'd be one, and the pain would reprieve.
Such a notion concieved of just one smile from you,
What other conclusion was I expected to come to...
other than admitting that I love you?
Now a few years have passed yet emotions never stalled,
You gave me your heart, now I'm giving you my all.
The mother to my children, my partner through and through,
My bestfriend regardless, never misconstrued.
I write this for one reason so I'll say it in a terse way,
I love you my wife,
Happy Birthday.

Eŋg · 03-17-2014, 04:43 PM

you write kind of cliched but this is a bit better than what i remember from you. avoid using a thesaurus and try to only implement words you'd be comfortable using in a real conversation. a broader vocabulary naturally gives you more options for a set of rhymes, but unless you understand the truer definitions or nuance of those synonyms, it's not a good idea to use them. lol how can i say that.

fuck it. this was ok.

03-17-2014, 03:15 AM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	I bet you hate it From the first moment I saw you my life changed, Cupid shot me like we were at a rifle range. Light framed your body, and a slight pain stopped me, "she's too good to be true" and how could you not be? Beautiful skin tone, with the hair of a goddess, the face of an angel but still you were modest. A sense of humor that understood my unusual antics, I wanted to paint you a portrait; I lacked a suitable canvas. Instead I decided to use words with more musical tactics, But the music never played; my words were anticlimatic. Yet love was didactic, it never ceased to believe, that one day we'd be one, and the pain would reprieve. Such a notion concieved of just one smile from you, What other conclusion was I expected to come to... other than admitting that I love you? Now a few years have passed yet emotions never stalled, You gave me your heart, now I'm giving you my all. The mother to my children, my partner through and through, My bestfriend regardless, never misconstrued. I write this for one reason so I'll say it in a terse way, I love you my wife, Happy Birthday. __________________

03-17-2014, 04:43 PM	#2
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	you write kind of cliched but this is a bit better than what i remember from you. avoid using a thesaurus and try to only implement words you'd be comfortable using in a real conversation. a broader vocabulary naturally gives you more options for a set of rhymes, but unless you understand the truer definitions or nuance of those synonyms, it's not a good idea to use them. lol how can i say that. fuck it. this was ok.