movin bars

[Breh321]

strong arm steady sparkin bud till im delirious
carvin smiles in peoples faces, askin why so serious

fuck what they be sayin when that tommy blast
ring of fire around your crew like johnny cash

aint no one on one, talkin that fairplay then let them
a veteran, im better than anyone claimin they fresh-men
thinkin you hard playing with heavy metal like zepplin
put em on that stretcher on the stairway to heaven

knowin they pretenders
cloning of off bender
so im killin these contenders agenda -who say-
"im not nice, like gettin coal on the 25th of december" (oohhh)

every hit is critical, damage taken is minimal
savage rapin the pitiful
you average, bracin for ridicule
manage to stay in yo lane
im breakin all of these rappers pedestals

they say im country nigga yeehaw
recoil off the choppa got it goin up and down like a seesaw

dirty south, rims pokin out and we stay swangin, thats fasho
muddy water, smokin out and we stay drankin, relaxin slow
pimp status, the god always gon stay bangin, the gat'll blow
you a fraud, marked out in the daylight you calico

and these fools sayin that they pitch tho
switchblade bitchmade niggas, let that 5th blow
5th grade pimp, mac eleven smoother than crisco
cuz the weight that they movin got me askin if they even lift bro

[Sharp]

welcome to the site, make sure you've read this

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6306

I'll drop feed soon, been meaning to just run through the OM in the near future

[Breh321]

just made the account lol

i'll def be posting on other threads and shit dw im not here just for me haha

[Zen]

Sharp's reminding you because new guys lately tend to not wanna feed.
But after reading this I gotta say this is some pretty good shit man. You've got room for improvement but we all do, but I can see you have potential. Some of the concepts were a little played like the ring of fire line but besides that this is pretty good. Keep droppin man.

[Breh321]

haha yeah i saw the whole thing with grindin, but thats why i left the other site...too many dudes not givin feedback and all the "vets" just fuckin with each other...didnt make sense to me.

lol i gotchu fam, when i put that line down i was like "this seems like it wouldve been used before" but i had never seen/heard it

appreciate the appreciation tho

[~RustyGunZ~]

Welcome Breh!

Cool little flex piece, the seesaw line was the best. Some of it was eh/played but for a little OM drop it was chill. Keep improving.

[Geno]

Good to see new faces. Thanks dropping feed in other posts

So this was pretty clean for what it was, fundementally sound. Had decent mechanics. But like everyone else was saying -just gotta step the concept game up a little bit. Its definitely not always easy to find new ideas. Shit -even I've dropped shit before that I thought was fresh as fuck and people said it was played. So I try to go completely outside the box to a realm that is almost impossible to get to when I want to be as original as possible. Doesn't always work but you get the point I think.

Keep dropping and feeding. Bring the others from wherever you were that you think would be a good addition. Fuck it -bring the worthless vets you spoke of two.. we'll eat'em alive if we must

[Breh321]

played out schemes imo were the zepplin and the cash line

the 4 bars with "bender" were just referencing otbva's tendency to go insane with forced multis like bender and have some corny shit like what i wrote for the end...didnt like my execution on that one

what were some other played out schemes/thoughts?

[Geno]

I don't think I mentioned anything about your scheming -that's if your asking me. Tbh, I don't even think a scheme can really get played out if your executing it right. Its the material within that can be played out. The format and scheming is just a swag.. I don't even think it can be played out imo

[Split]

SUP breh.

and these fools sayin that they pitch tho
switchblade bitchmade niggas, let that 5th blow
5th grade pimp, mac eleven smoother than crisco
cuz the weight that they movin got me askin if they even lift bro

ether

u aware m8?

remember reading your stuff from Otvba or whatever the site was... glad to have you here dude. smooth n swagged stuff, the OM was really missing that feeling of gritty haha.

your rhymes are good and your concepts are really subtle/ clever, like you dont draw too much attention to them but theyre cool when you catch it. Id say one part of your writing that could use some tuning is the execution/ delivery, like in

knowin they pretenders
cloning of off bender
so im killin these contenders agenda -who say-
"im not nice, like gettin coal on the 25th of december"

i dont think that rolled quite as easily as it could have.. maybe this was keyed in which case s'all good, just saying that as you elevate/ keep writing its good to take note of parts of ur shit that didnt quite work so you can keep refining

good stuff man, you show alotta promise. dont bring that faggot Fairy here

keep keyin
1

[Breh321]

Originally Posted by Split

SUP breh.


ether

u aware m8?

remember reading your stuff from Otvba or whatever the site was... glad to have you here dude. smooth n swagged stuff, the OM was really missing that feeling of gritty haha.

your rhymes are good and your concepts are really subtle/ clever, like you dont draw too much attention to them but theyre cool when you catch it. Id say one part of your writing that could use some tuning is the execution/ delivery, like in

i dont think that rolled quite as easily as it could have.. maybe this was keyed in which case s'all good, just saying that as you elevate/ keep writing its good to take note of parts of ur shit that didnt quite work so you can keep refining

good stuff man, you show alotta promise. dont bring that faggot Fairy here

keep keyin
1

Haha I was thinkin that myself tbh about the phrasing being awkward
I saw that battle you had about vanity vs pride, will feed later...Shit was bananas
Appreciate the appreciation fam

[Orc]

watup bud. u got a nice swagger to ya verse. think ya styles very raw.. you could definitely end up being a problem on here in the text league if u adapted a little bit. did u sign up for the NBL? the yeehaw line made me laugh haha that was cool. the even lift tho line was funny & relevant too. anyway yea cool intro stay up

[Just Write]

@Breh321
this was pretty nice. so where these like little tidbits you write in your phone or somethin? i have a bunch of like 2/3 bar shit in my phone thats why im asking lol. seems like you wrote each at a different time. what was here was impressive though. post a bigger piece and ill be sure to feed it.

my favs

knowin they pretenderscloning of off benderso im killin these contenders agenda -who say-"im not nice, like gettin coal on the 25th of december"

dirty south, rims pokin out and we stay swangin, thats fashomuddy water, smokin out and we stay drankin, relaxin slowpimp status, the god always gon stay bangin, the gat'll blowyou a fraud, marked out in the daylight you calico

strong arm steady sparkin bud till im deliriouscarvin smiles in peoples faces, askin why so serious

and that last piece you read was just kinda rambled thought i wrote it the ten minutes that i was at starbucks

check this piece out if you dont mind its a more directed content

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6277

[Breh321]

Yea there's no real message to it
If I'm bored in class and think of smth Imo is dope
Then ill jot it down