Week 13: 11. Zenland (1-1) vs. 12. cyph her (0-1) \\ cyph her wins 7-1

Certain · 05-19-2014, 03:42 AM

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.

Topic

Coming Home

Good luck, @Zenland and @cyph her.

cyph her · 05-20-2014, 11:16 PM

I’ve wandered here before..
Stumbling under the orange glow of street lights..
I’m not sure if it’s my eyesight or the limelight that wont focus..
Or if my mind’s right.. I really don’t know myself sober..

I am with my best company in this moment..

I met me once..
Initially being concise and disguised in our divisions..
Yet we agreed philosophically, religiously..
We even shared the same home, alone..

Our incisions matched..
Which.. I was glad I didn’t have to ask ..
It’s just a really long list of reasons that you don’t want to address..
About why you’re unattached..

We shared our accomplishments with each other..
Just read like a long list of cross-through’s you never got to..
So we made a new list of realities.. And it started with..
1. Abandoned by the dad who you belonged to..

I am with my best company in this moment..

I guess both of our parents got drunk and high..
And I guess that’s why we did..
Glossy eyes, no suit and tie, no reason why..
I suppose we needed something to relieve it…

Everyone’s always saying this is going to cost you..
And how they’ve lost you..
Can you find me when you find me..
I’ve lost me, too..

Don’t you know I wish I could shake this.. I hate this..
I guess it’s what I’m prone to do..
With you in my palm, we will continue this lonesome..
Bottom of the bottle, I’m coming home to you..

Zen · 05-22-2014, 04:21 PM

Pain in my chest. I'm outta breath. Frankly I'm exhausted.
The walls are closing in. Chipped paint in the faucet.
Jesus...This is what I've became, no way to solve it.
She left. The pain...only cocaine can calm it.
It ain't working. I stare at the ceiling. Cold rag on my head,
Trying to repair this feeling with coke bags on the bed.
I know she'll laugh when I'm dead. No passion is left.
What we have is regret, and old photos of our past at its best.
Damn...I still see her packing her shit, yelling and screaming,
"I've had it! You're a drug addict tryin to control my life.
You criticize MY decisions, like YOU know what's right!!"
Fire in her eyes. They seemed to glow in the light.
I stood back stunned as she drove into the night.

Now here I lay, alone in my life.
Punching out mirrors afraid of the ghost in my sight.
God damn it my brains racing, focus or die...
Blood dripping from knuckles onto broken shards of glass.
I look at them hoping the sharpest would slash
My wrists and open the veins; they ain't hard to miss.
I imagine my blood spraying over the apartment, then
I realize with a clear mind, my first in days,
This ain't what life's supposed to be like. Hurting in pain,
Using drugs I've purchased in this worthless place.

So I finished rehab. Damn, that nurse is a babe...
"Mr. King, today you leave here, but I have a few words to say.
First, your insurance didn't cover this. You'll get the bill in thirty days."
(I expected @Captain Obvious to burst in the place)
"But you're clean now with a new life that's only worth what you pay.
You get what you give, and you've earned your place."

I stepped out of the building to go to my apartment,
And there she stood waiting.
Home is where the heart is.

Awwwwwww

zygote · 05-24-2014, 06:11 AM

Good stuff by both. Zenland has more advanced rhyme schemes, cyp her was more thorough in addressing a single central theme. Disliked the gimmicky @symbol thing, also disliked the narration and the how the character was presented, it wasn't lovable underdog or ultimate despair, it was somewhere inbetween. It could have been stronger to polarize the character more. Good attempt at humor here and there. I actually really like cyphers writing here, its wonderfully clear and refreshingly simple. Both wrote about the same topic pretty much, but while Zenland went for a humorous approach and misfired, cypher went for a direct approach and nailed it. Voting for cyph her.

Cereal_Killa · 05-25-2014, 04:05 AM

Cypher:

Truly magnificent opening stanza.. thank you..

I like your connection to the characters

The understanding of the confusion.. is huge

‘We shared our accomplishments with each other..
Just read like a long list of cross-through’s you never got to..”

Extremely personal..

“Can you find me when you find me..
I’ve lost me, too..”

Look you have grasped me, highly-highly personal for me atm..

At the end with no literal connection with the alcohol bottle being a metaphor for a real person..
It stays as the safety net.. which IS what makes this verse work all the way..

Very nice verse..

Zen:

Removing your fast past twist style.. was more than needed in this battle.. good move..
It makes the whole thing more personal, with a much clearer picture.. smoother and easy to run through your shoes..

Punching out mirrors afraid of the ghost in my sight – perfect coke flip huge..

my brains racing, focus or die.. this ol school poetry to me – the direct feelings, raw and uncut..
My ol lifestyle in fact.. every drip and feeling

The third and final stanza.. c’mon nowwww..

Chesire grin.. On the come clean you either needed some of the devilish wit left or when his punch drunk moment hit you needed to over kill it..
so as you rolled into the ripped money whise but half glass is half full moment “me-as the reader” really is drawn out as your charact’Ddddddddaaaaaaaa

and then drop in to a pit of enlightenement

Nice frigin verse man.. thank you..

Vote = cypher

Cyph the smooth looping through your rollercoaster was smooth, the breakup of the stanza’s and the transitions.. flawless-crystallized

Zen your raw coke addiction cut like a raw crack addiction, on the come down – it was perfect..
It was just the flush out, the draw out as needed as it is.. as needed as it is.. needed to make me feel i was donkey kicked in the forehead..

g/l you guys that was an awesome battle

Three-Planes-Aligned · 05-25-2014, 03:44 PM

cyph her - copy+paste what I said about the tone of Adonis' verse this week basically, but yeah - an understated implication attached to careful movement. Very inwardly directed, the textbook self-fixated / doomed-by-one's-heritage vantage of an alcoholic I guess.

Zenland - more addict melodrama, with more or less accurate depictions of the heightened moments of tension that one has to deal with (if you wanted to insert some more realer-than-reality stuff you could've gone with an example of sucking dick for drugs, that one always gets the audience). Crisp rhymes

I vote cyph her based on a more (emotionally) logically kept-together product. Interesting reads from both.

Vulgar · 05-25-2014, 11:22 PM

cyph her - Conversational tones were felt; an interesting verse. Gentle currents of language were preferred over anything dense. Things read smooth for the most part. One small crit/observation might be a versatility of feelings and sensations. More instances or examples exploring the main theme.

Zenland - Stellar performance of you with little flashiness. You chose to go for personal, character-driven strokes, touching on an overused subject but giving it a homemade glow. It was self explanatory and invoked a decent atmosphere of lovesickness.

My vote goes to cyph her.

Frank · 05-26-2014, 12:09 AM

Cyph her - This was aiiight considering your a girl....I feel like giving you a pass cause I can't help but picture your tender feminine voice behind this piece. Your easy going structure read nonchalantly poetic and pleasantly underwhelming which is a joy in this league of over bearing mind fucked lyricism.

Zenland - I think you may have toned down the scheming either because you were unmotivated or just because you didn't want to do your girl like that. The story was pretty basic but your writing seemed as if you were drawing from real life experiences and that is what your writing has been missing imo.

MVGT Cyph her

Adonis · 05-26-2014, 12:33 AM

I liked the rhymes zen, although there were some slip ups. I can see this was rushed, but honestly you had solid depth, imagery and emotion up until he received the bill. Not only was it a poor transition from being depressed, at home, drunk on drugs bleeding; to instantly finished with rehab, but I was hoping for the dark theme to continue a bit more. All in all a decent verse for being rushed, I know you can do better, but I can honestly say this was an enjoyable read.

I enjoyed the tone, it read very smooth and still kept precise direction while maintaining flow and emotion, not an easy feet. I loved the read as it literally placed me in the mind of a person, nice concept with self meeting self.

voting cyph her for the better execution and overall giving me the fuller satisfaction after the readings.

Certain · 05-26-2014, 02:53 AM

cyph her: This was excellent. You drove home the mood with your somber phrasing, which occasionally jumped from the screen. "We even shared the same home, alone." That was a standout just because of the tone of it and the way something so simple can seem so unique and multifaceted. Coming Home didn't have to be so sad, but you really made it work even though you took the straight-forward approach. The rhymes were a bit wonky, though, and some of the flow was excellent while other spots bumped a bit clumsily. I didn't know what to expect, but I enjoyed this verse.

Zenland: There were parts of this I loved, The four lines starting with "It ain't working" were rather tremendous. The stuff about rehab was OK but a bit too cliché and nonspecific, like you didn't flesh out this rehab facility as a real place but rather as a blur of a stereotypical rehab. That may have been intentional, but it didn't hit the note of the unendingness of rehab that you seemed to be going for. The ending, though, had potential but was written in such a way that you weren't even sure you should write it like that, not only because of the "Awwwwww." Your rhymes, as per usual, were great. There are moments where you hit a dull boy-esque level, mostly because you always seem sarcastically depressed.

Vote: cyph her

e11even · 05-26-2014, 03:01 AM

cyph her- I'm not sure how I feel about this. I like this in certain parts. The overall piece felt incomplete, like an excerpt. I liked the metaphors for the two yous and the connections, with memories interwoven. I feel like a better plan on that would have had greater results. Not sure if I know what I'm saying. Good job tho.

Zen- LOL on that ending. That last stanza felt like a mood killer. if theis was real life, OK thats what really happened. But it felt like some kinda funky B-List druggy movie with an almost cliche ending. I dug the first half a lot. A lot of potential there. Welcome back bro. Good job overall.

MVGT Zen for his first half grabbing my attention so well, even if the ending fell off a little.

05-19-2014, 03:42 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899402	Week 13: 11. Zenland (1-1) vs. 12. cyph her (0-1) \\ cyph her wins 7-1 Season 3 The Basics \| Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topic Coming Home Good luck, @Zenland and @cyph her. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

05-25-2014, 04:05 AM	#5
Cereal_Killa Licking Lily's.. Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 706 Battle Record: 11-6 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 3565729	Cypher: Truly magnificent opening stanza.. thank you.. I like your connection to the characters The understanding of the confusion.. is huge ‘We shared our accomplishments with each other.. Just read like a long list of cross-through’s you never got to..” Extremely personal.. “Can you find me when you find me.. I’ve lost me, too..” Look you have grasped me, highly-highly personal for me atm.. At the end with no literal connection with the alcohol bottle being a metaphor for a real person.. It stays as the safety net.. which IS what makes this verse work all the way.. Very nice verse.. Zen: Removing your fast past twist style.. was more than needed in this battle.. good move.. It makes the whole thing more personal, with a much clearer picture.. smoother and easy to run through your shoes.. Punching out mirrors afraid of the ghost in my sight – perfect coke flip huge.. my brains racing, focus or die.. this ol school poetry to me – the direct feelings, raw and uncut.. My ol lifestyle in fact.. every drip and feeling The third and final stanza.. c’mon nowwww.. Chesire grin.. On the come clean you either needed some of the devilish wit left or when his punch drunk moment hit you needed to over kill it.. so as you rolled into the ripped money whise but half glass is half full moment “me-as the reader” really is drawn out as your charact’Ddddddddaaaaaaaa and then drop in to a pit of enlightenement Nice frigin verse man.. thank you.. Vote = cypher Cyph the smooth looping through your rollercoaster was smooth, the breakup of the stanza’s and the transitions.. flawless-crystallized Zen your raw coke addiction cut like a raw crack addiction, on the come down – it was perfect.. It was just the flush out, the draw out as needed as it is.. as needed as it is.. needed to make me feel i was donkey kicked in the forehead.. g/l you guys that was an awesome battle __________________ You think YOU'RE sick I shit cough drops .. Last edited by Cereal_Killa; 05-25-2014 at 04:13 AM.

05-26-2014, 12:09 AM	#8
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	Cyph her - This was aiiight considering your a girl....I feel like giving you a pass cause I can't help but picture your tender feminine voice behind this piece. Your easy going structure read nonchalantly poetic and pleasantly underwhelming which is a joy in this league of over bearing mind fucked lyricism. Zenland - I think you may have toned down the scheming either because you were unmotivated or just because you didn't want to do your girl like that. The story was pretty basic but your writing seemed as if you were drawing from real life experiences and that is what your writing has been missing imo. MVGT Cyph her __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 05-26-2014 at 12:13 AM.

05-26-2014, 12:33 AM	#9
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	I liked the rhymes zen, although there were some slip ups. I can see this was rushed, but honestly you had solid depth, imagery and emotion up until he received the bill. Not only was it a poor transition from being depressed, at home, drunk on drugs bleeding; to instantly finished with rehab, but I was hoping for the dark theme to continue a bit more. All in all a decent verse for being rushed, I know you can do better, but I can honestly say this was an enjoyable read. I enjoyed the tone, it read very smooth and still kept precise direction while maintaining flow and emotion, not an easy feet. I loved the read as it literally placed me in the mind of a person, nice concept with self meeting self. voting cyph her for the better execution and overall giving me the fuller satisfaction after the readings. __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

05-26-2014, 02:53 AM	#10
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899402	cyph her: This was excellent. You drove home the mood with your somber phrasing, which occasionally jumped from the screen. "We even shared the same home, alone." That was a standout just because of the tone of it and the way something so simple can seem so unique and multifaceted. Coming Home didn't have to be so sad, but you really made it work even though you took the straight-forward approach. The rhymes were a bit wonky, though, and some of the flow was excellent while other spots bumped a bit clumsily. I didn't know what to expect, but I enjoyed this verse. Zenland: There were parts of this I loved, The four lines starting with "It ain't working" were rather tremendous. The stuff about rehab was OK but a bit too cliché and nonspecific, like you didn't flesh out this rehab facility as a real place but rather as a blur of a stereotypical rehab. That may have been intentional, but it didn't hit the note of the unendingness of rehab that you seemed to be going for. The ending, though, had potential but was written in such a way that you weren't even sure you should write it like that, not only because of the "Awwwwww." Your rhymes, as per usual, were great. There are moments where you hit a dull boy-esque level, mostly because you always seem sarcastically depressed. Vote: cyph her __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

05-20-2014, 11:16 PM	#2
cyph her decept the con Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: San Jose, CA Posts: 126 Battle Record: 2-2 Rep Power: 0	I’ve wandered here before.. Stumbling under the orange glow of street lights.. I’m not sure if it’s my eyesight or the limelight that wont focus.. Or if my mind’s right.. I really don’t know myself sober.. I am with my best company in this moment.. I met me once.. Initially being concise and disguised in our divisions.. Yet we agreed philosophically, religiously.. We even shared the same home, alone.. Our incisions matched.. Which.. I was glad I didn’t have to ask .. It’s just a really long list of reasons that you don’t want to address.. About why you’re unattached.. We shared our accomplishments with each other.. Just read like a long list of cross-through’s you never got to.. So we made a new list of realities.. And it started with.. 1. Abandoned by the dad who you belonged to.. I am with my best company in this moment.. I guess both of our parents got drunk and high.. And I guess that’s why we did.. Glossy eyes, no suit and tie, no reason why.. I suppose we needed something to relieve it… Everyone’s always saying this is going to cost you.. And how they’ve lost you.. Can you find me when you find me.. I’ve lost me, too.. Don’t you know I wish I could shake this.. I hate this.. I guess it’s what I’m prone to do.. With you in my palm, we will continue this lonesome.. Bottom of the bottle, I’m coming home to you..

05-22-2014, 04:21 PM	#3
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Pain in my chest. I'm outta breath. Frankly I'm exhausted. The walls are closing in. Chipped paint in the faucet. Jesus...This is what I've became, no way to solve it. She left. The pain...only cocaine can calm it. It ain't working. I stare at the ceiling. Cold rag on my head, Trying to repair this feeling with coke bags on the bed. I know she'll laugh when I'm dead. No passion is left. What we have is regret, and old photos of our past at its best. Damn...I still see her packing her shit, yelling and screaming, "I've had it! You're a drug addict tryin to control my life. You criticize MY decisions, like YOU know what's right!!" Fire in her eyes. They seemed to glow in the light. I stood back stunned as she drove into the night. Now here I lay, alone in my life. Punching out mirrors afraid of the ghost in my sight. God damn it my brains racing, focus or die... Blood dripping from knuckles onto broken shards of glass. I look at them hoping the sharpest would slash My wrists and open the veins; they ain't hard to miss. I imagine my blood spraying over the apartment, then I realize with a clear mind, my first in days, This ain't what life's supposed to be like. Hurting in pain, Using drugs I've purchased in this worthless place. So I finished rehab. Damn, that nurse is a babe... "Mr. King, today you leave here, but I have a few words to say. First, your insurance didn't cover this. You'll get the bill in thirty days." (I expected @Captain Obvious to burst in the place) "But you're clean now with a new life that's only worth what you pay. You get what you give, and you've earned your place." I stepped out of the building to go to my apartment, And there she stood waiting. Home is where the heart is. Awwwwwww

05-24-2014, 06:11 AM	#4
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	Good stuff by both. Zenland has more advanced rhyme schemes, cyp her was more thorough in addressing a single central theme. Disliked the gimmicky @symbol thing, also disliked the narration and the how the character was presented, it wasn't lovable underdog or ultimate despair, it was somewhere inbetween. It could have been stronger to polarize the character more. Good attempt at humor here and there. I actually really like cyphers writing here, its wonderfully clear and refreshingly simple. Both wrote about the same topic pretty much, but while Zenland went for a humorous approach and misfired, cypher went for a direct approach and nailed it. Voting for cyph her.

05-25-2014, 03:44 PM	#6
Three-Planes-Aligned Hyphenated Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: The Black Lodge Posts: 79 Battle Record: 7-8 Rep Power: 549509	cyph her - copy+paste what I said about the tone of Adonis' verse this week basically, but yeah - an understated implication attached to careful movement. Very inwardly directed, the textbook self-fixated / doomed-by-one's-heritage vantage of an alcoholic I guess. Zenland - more addict melodrama, with more or less accurate depictions of the heightened moments of tension that one has to deal with (if you wanted to insert some more realer-than-reality stuff you could've gone with an example of sucking dick for drugs, that one always gets the audience). Crisp rhymes I vote cyph her based on a more (emotionally) logically kept-together product. Interesting reads from both.

05-25-2014, 11:22 PM	#7
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	cyph her - Conversational tones were felt; an interesting verse. Gentle currents of language were preferred over anything dense. Things read smooth for the most part. One small crit/observation might be a versatility of feelings and sensations. More instances or examples exploring the main theme. Zenland - Stellar performance of you with little flashiness. You chose to go for personal, character-driven strokes, touching on an overused subject but giving it a homemade glow. It was self explanatory and invoked a decent atmosphere of lovesickness. My vote goes to cyph her.

05-26-2014, 03:01 AM	#11
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	cyph her- I'm not sure how I feel about this. I like this in certain parts. The overall piece felt incomplete, like an excerpt. I liked the metaphors for the two yous and the connections, with memories interwoven. I feel like a better plan on that would have had greater results. Not sure if I know what I'm saying. Good job tho. Zen- LOL on that ending. That last stanza felt like a mood killer. if theis was real life, OK thats what really happened. But it felt like some kinda funky B-List druggy movie with an almost cliche ending. I dug the first half a lot. A lot of potential there. Welcome back bro. Good job overall. MVGT Zen for his first half grabbing my attention so well, even if the ending fell off a little. __________________ Ahem.