Week 15: Zenland (1-2) vs. King Ra. (6-6) \\ Zenland wins 5-2

Certain · 06-02-2014, 03:57 AM

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.

Topics this week are available for your choosing here.

Good luck, @Zenland and @King Ra.

Zen · 06-06-2014, 05:34 PM

Sometimes I get angry. My mind goes blank, and I black out.
These meds got me coughing red til I pass out.
Wake up in the bathroom in the afternoon, still weak and exhausted.
Chemo yesterday. I'm bent over the sink and barfing.
You ever seen the bucket list? I think of that often.
Where the fuck is Morgan and Jack to take me golfing?
Television's lied to us by glamorizing death.
They make it seem honorable, like it's something you're dying to get.
You lucky martyr. All the people sitting beside your bed,
Your loved ones, children serving you wine and bread.
A toast! to the wonderful life that you've led.
Close your eyes...
sigh and you're dead.
Things don't happen that way. Not if you've made mistakes.
You gotta have been restrained, not have tempted fate.
But I did.
I can't find my kids today after my wife left with them in May.
I don't know what I'd say if they answered.
"Hey, how's your day? By the way I have cancer."
I'd rather them not see me like this, their father pale and weak.
It would ruin their image of me. They'd fail to believe
that I was as strong as I claimed; our bonds would change.
Instead, "unbreakable," is what they'll tell of me.
The man who fought to his death.
The man...who never feared...as he lost his breath...

King Ra. · 06-07-2014, 02:21 AM

Memoirs Of The Gods, chap. V: "The Record of Set's Rage"

.... and with Mighty Osiris slain & dismembered,
began the days of Set's rage. A reign to remember.

Chaos. Destruction. Wrath of the gods?
Volcanic ashes, eruptions. The madness was raw.
All of the clashes and tussling. Malice withdrawn.
Just a fragment of his justice, rushed in. Its vastness & awe.
It was written.... but no words can truly capture it all.
His obstruction of Law, the grandness. A constructive barrage
of evil conducted, no flaws. No human could possibly ward off the assault.
They continuously called to the gods, but no response-
.... just Set's tirade & consumption.... the darkest collage.
We couldn't believe it, was this just a facade?
ALL OF THE WATER ON EARTH HAS TURNED BLACK!
THE TIME IS AT HAND! THE BEGINNING OF THE FALL!
Not everyone believed in the message. "ITS JUST A MIRAGE!"
Until Set appeared out of the skies from the depths of beyond.
Followed by an awkward silence. A quiet applause.

Your blasphemy will be paid in blood.
Osiris is dead. I came to judge.
You spat on my name in vain so now it will rain & flood.
Your cities will burn until it decays.
The day will come when you will say- "ENOUGH."
You will bow down.
You will sacrifice.
You will acknowledge me as your God.
You will worship me the rest of your lives.

Adonis · 06-07-2014, 02:36 AM

A very emotional and touching tale, vs. A God's wrath. In the end, I think this will be a very close battle and voter preference will prevail, because mechanically, neither tips the scale.Jah had a very short verse, you both did, but while I wanted more from Jah, more from zen could have been a bad thing. The emotion was strong in zens verse as I said. You made me think of dying, that happy picture painted falsely, I'd never pondered that. Kudos to you. Jah, you had typical fashion, but stereotypical execution. You let off the gas, maybe letting fag baby in your mind in thinking you didn't have to go all out. But what zen posted is rather dope, he gave me a strong connection to a character and made me think.

Voting zen

timeless · 06-07-2014, 08:16 AM

Zenlands intro was hard to get through but I appreciate the imagery. Most of this was hard to get through, felt this lacked any real backdrop to it just a freewrite. The bucket list bar and by the way I have cancer lines were dope. RA came with the more complete read, and was also very easy to get through. I enjoyed his approach to his topic more than what Zen came with.

v. King

Certain · 06-08-2014, 02:15 AM

King Ra.: I'm familiar with the story of Set and Osiris, which was an important backdrop for your verse. I'm actually kind of hoping that this is not some series you've been writing but rather a cleverl way to throw us into the middle of a story that you correctly could assume some voters knew enough about. The rhyming and writing here was very impressive, making this a very fluid and clear read when murkiness could have been your downfall. There wasn't much of a conclusion to the macro story, but the little speech was well-executed for this sliver with a "saga continues" framework that may or may not be real.

Zenland: I wish you had structured this with a bit more poetry in the motion. You instead went straight at the topic and barely bothered building a backdrop for the first three-quarters of your verse. Had you developed this idea of a man separated from his children by bitter divorce only to wind up getting cancer and having no idea how to tell them, you could have had a really great verse. But that seemed kind of tacked on, as though you weren't sure where else to go at that point in the verse. The writing was plain, but the rhymes were good. I think a more delicate touch could have turned this into a home run.

Vote: King Ra.

zygote · 06-08-2014, 05:56 AM

It's close, Zenland's multiple rhymes were greater than King Ra's apocalyptic storyline. Good attention to detail and world building, but the overall plot was a little straightforward. Zenland's main character is sympathetic.

Bladed Thesis · 06-08-2014, 01:59 PM

Overall: Zenland. Felt his had more depth and more consistent use of imagery. Also, the wording on his multies was a lot cleaner and they worked for the most part. As far as topic goes, I appreciated them both equally. I felt both struggled with bringing the reader into their verses. Zen due to a lack of backdrop and cohesion between concept and verse and King due to it being very general and lacking specifics.

Vulgar · 06-09-2014, 01:16 AM

Zenland - Decent verse, sometimes I think you and Witty are twin brothers because you both write very similarly, armed with concise support beams of writing and deploying straightforward points of view. This one was just okay this week. I could find tangible intensity in the character's voice due to his crappy life situation but other than that there was no fire within. Too calm.

King Ra - The wrathfulness was convincing though I don't know if what you brought to the table was enough. Starting off a beginning line with 'and' is tricky because it's almost like you're skipping the traditional step of introducing a world, or a world through story, by giving it the proper curtains-opening sequence. It felt like a half bitten cookie, IMO. Decent writing in this one.

Vote - Zenland

The clear winner for me.

e11even · 06-09-2014, 02:56 AM

Zen- this came off dark and personal. Whatever place you channeled this from made this feel genuine and relatable. It wasn't over the top or box office cinematic but you got the point across as a normal person facing a real set of dilemmas. I appreciated that. Good job.

King Ra.- damn. This felt short. I really wanted more. I'm pissed. JAMES CAMERON ONLY MADE PART 1 DAMMIT IT! WHERE'S THE REST?! Lol. Nice piece. The rhyming and concise nature of this piece came off very polished and package in a flashy format. I thought it was a nice touch to play off your name and go Egyptian. Overall pretty cool piece. Good job.

I don't know who to vote for. Both grabbed me in completely different ways. Zen attempted an attack on emotion while Ra. Came with guns blazing in his signature epic fashion . Fuck. MVGT Zenland for a more genuine and down to earth experience. Thanks both you guys for showing :)

06-02-2014, 03:57 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899402	Week 15: Zenland (1-2) vs. King Ra. (6-6) \\ Zenland wins 5-2 Season 3 The Basics \| Read the full rules here. Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS. Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT. Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent. Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread. Topics this week are available for your choosing here. Good luck, @Zenland and @King Ra. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

06-07-2014, 02:21 AM	#3
King Ra. The Throne, The Crown Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,667 Battle Record: 21-35 Rep Power: 1932960	Memoirs Of The Gods, chap. V: "The Record of Set's Rage" .... and with Mighty Osiris slain & dismembered, began the days of Set's rage. A reign to remember. Chaos. Destruction. Wrath of the gods? Volcanic ashes, eruptions. The madness was raw. All of the clashes and tussling. Malice withdrawn. Just a fragment of his justice, rushed in. Its vastness & awe. It was written.... but no words can truly capture it all. His obstruction of Law, the grandness. A constructive barrage of evil conducted, no flaws. No human could possibly ward off the assault. They continuously called to the gods, but no response- .... just Set's tirade & consumption.... the darkest collage. We couldn't believe it, was this just a facade? ALL OF THE WATER ON EARTH HAS TURNED BLACK! THE TIME IS AT HAND! THE BEGINNING OF THE FALL! Not everyone believed in the message. "ITS JUST A MIRAGE!" Until Set appeared out of the skies from the depths of beyond. Followed by an awkward silence. A quiet applause. Your blasphemy will be paid in blood. Osiris is dead. I came to judge. You spat on my name in vain so now it will rain & flood. Your cities will burn until it decays. The day will come when you will say- "ENOUGH." You will bow down. You will sacrifice. You will acknowledge me as your God. You will worship me the rest of your lives. __________________ Vetwork, bitches.

06-08-2014, 02:15 AM	#6
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,072 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899402	King Ra.: I'm familiar with the story of Set and Osiris, which was an important backdrop for your verse. I'm actually kind of hoping that this is not some series you've been writing but rather a cleverl way to throw us into the middle of a story that you correctly could assume some voters knew enough about. The rhyming and writing here was very impressive, making this a very fluid and clear read when murkiness could have been your downfall. There wasn't much of a conclusion to the macro story, but the little speech was well-executed for this sliver with a "saga continues" framework that may or may not be real. Zenland: I wish you had structured this with a bit more poetry in the motion. You instead went straight at the topic and barely bothered building a backdrop for the first three-quarters of your verse. Had you developed this idea of a man separated from his children by bitter divorce only to wind up getting cancer and having no idea how to tell them, you could have had a really great verse. But that seemed kind of tacked on, as though you weren't sure where else to go at that point in the verse. The writing was plain, but the rhymes were good. I think a more delicate touch could have turned this into a home run. Vote: King Ra. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

06-08-2014, 01:59 PM	#8
Bladed Thesis ExSol Meets HolyIsh Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: IRL Posts: 148 Battle Record: 4-2 Rep Power: 2127059	Overall: Zenland. Felt his had more depth and more consistent use of imagery. Also, the wording on his multies was a lot cleaner and they worked for the most part. As far as topic goes, I appreciated them both equally. I felt both struggled with bringing the reader into their verses. Zen due to a lack of backdrop and cohesion between concept and verse and King due to it being very general and lacking specifics. __________________ mere morals fall again, mere mortals stall my blades? ive gone everywhere 'n everywhere gone gotten Hall of Fame

06-09-2014, 02:56 AM	#10
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	Zen- this came off dark and personal. Whatever place you channeled this from made this feel genuine and relatable. It wasn't over the top or box office cinematic but you got the point across as a normal person facing a real set of dilemmas. I appreciated that. Good job. King Ra.- damn. This felt short. I really wanted more. I'm pissed. JAMES CAMERON ONLY MADE PART 1 DAMMIT IT! WHERE'S THE REST?! Lol. Nice piece. The rhyming and concise nature of this piece came off very polished and package in a flashy format. I thought it was a nice touch to play off your name and go Egyptian. Overall pretty cool piece. Good job. I don't know who to vote for. Both grabbed me in completely different ways. Zen attempted an attack on emotion while Ra. Came with guns blazing in his signature epic fashion . Fuck. MVGT Zenland for a more genuine and down to earth experience. Thanks both you guys for showing :) __________________ Ahem.

06-06-2014, 05:34 PM	#2
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,104 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079719	Sometimes I get angry. My mind goes blank, and I black out. These meds got me coughing red til I pass out. Wake up in the bathroom in the afternoon, still weak and exhausted. Chemo yesterday. I'm bent over the sink and barfing. You ever seen the bucket list? I think of that often. Where the fuck is Morgan and Jack to take me golfing? Television's lied to us by glamorizing death. They make it seem honorable, like it's something you're dying to get. You lucky martyr. All the people sitting beside your bed, Your loved ones, children serving you wine and bread. A toast! to the wonderful life that you've led. Close your eyes... sigh and you're dead. Things don't happen that way. Not if you've made mistakes. You gotta have been restrained, not have tempted fate. But I did. I can't find my kids today after my wife left with them in May. I don't know what I'd say if they answered. "Hey, how's your day? By the way I have cancer." I'd rather them not see me like this, their father pale and weak. It would ruin their image of me. They'd fail to believe that I was as strong as I claimed; our bonds would change. Instead, "unbreakable," is what they'll tell of me. The man who fought to his death. The man...who never feared...as he lost his breath...

06-07-2014, 02:36 AM	#4
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	A very emotional and touching tale, vs. A God's wrath. In the end, I think this will be a very close battle and voter preference will prevail, because mechanically, neither tips the scale.Jah had a very short verse, you both did, but while I wanted more from Jah, more from zen could have been a bad thing. The emotion was strong in zens verse as I said. You made me think of dying, that happy picture painted falsely, I'd never pondered that. Kudos to you. Jah, you had typical fashion, but stereotypical execution. You let off the gas, maybe letting fag baby in your mind in thinking you didn't have to go all out. But what zen posted is rather dope, he gave me a strong connection to a character and made me think. Voting zen

06-07-2014, 08:16 AM	#5
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,627 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341325	Zenlands intro was hard to get through but I appreciate the imagery. Most of this was hard to get through, felt this lacked any real backdrop to it just a freewrite. The bucket list bar and by the way I have cancer lines were dope. RA came with the more complete read, and was also very easy to get through. I enjoyed his approach to his topic more than what Zen came with. v. King

06-08-2014, 05:56 AM	#7
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	It's close, Zenland's multiple rhymes were greater than King Ra's apocalyptic storyline. Good attention to detail and world building, but the overall plot was a little straightforward. Zenland's main character is sympathetic.

06-09-2014, 01:16 AM	#9
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604317	Zenland - Decent verse, sometimes I think you and Witty are twin brothers because you both write very similarly, armed with concise support beams of writing and deploying straightforward points of view. This one was just okay this week. I could find tangible intensity in the character's voice due to his crappy life situation but other than that there was no fire within. Too calm. King Ra - The wrathfulness was convincing though I don't know if what you brought to the table was enough. Starting off a beginning line with 'and' is tricky because it's almost like you're skipping the traditional step of introducing a world, or a world through story, by giving it the proper curtains-opening sequence. It felt like a half bitten cookie, IMO. Decent writing in this one. Vote - Zenland The clear winner for me.