pabloescoborrow

brokenhal0 · 07-20-2013, 04:22 AM

dark episodes re runs catch you when your composed
espirto desperado your abuelitas say its not spiritual

you question what do i know eyesfold blade like a tanto
eys glow like a cats at night one sight allign
so now your suns bright

black and white im a serious star height a jewel for your far sight
getting close understood the symbols when im ghost from parasitic host

straight slum hit em with the peroxide the narcs eatin fried chicken on a parkslide
in the dark crys from the hawk glide the sky where ether resides

walk with me got my barbecue for pork city
got my armor too and the slores and there mommas too

your honor is skewed if its street i feel like harming you too
short and sweet make it a memory you can't delete

i gotta learn to have empathy but i can't be beat
so i am the one whos ending my escape

up the creek of the nape where the moon
spins in space lets bring it back to the material planes

i can't maintain get my change and feed the bank
walk the plank of god where the waters end

live in a clean tank and keep a keen eye where all the walls will bend

Certain · 07-20-2013, 05:17 AM

The spelling mistakes were distracting. There are a few interesting thoughts here, though. There was a little bit of Ghostface Killah in this couplet:

Quote:

straight slum hit em with the peroxide the narcs eatin fried chicken on a parkslide
in the dark crys from the hawk glide the sky where ether resides

Clean up the spelling and puncation. Don't break up your couplets because it distracts from continued rhyme patterns. Try to stick to a single voice a little more in a single verse.

Wise Wiggles · 07-22-2013, 01:00 PM

dope fucking end

brokenhal0 · 07-22-2013, 06:58 PM

those last lines made me feel weird so i had to throw em in thanks for reading it fellaz

Exis · 07-23-2013, 06:38 AM

Be good if you broke up your shit a little...everythin' seems to just run on and into stuff alot durin' sentences...there's heaps to like though...thought the first line and how you ended things were nice no doubt, overall it's enjoyable.

...Stay uppity.

Pakistani Hand Cannon · 07-28-2013, 10:57 AM

this was weird, not really sure if i liked it...i think i did for it being intriguing if nothing else

& on a side note, fuck breaking your shit up & the punctuation & wdeva else these niggas is talking that has little to no relevance.

two words. do you.

i might re-read & offer any other thoughts i had directly on this shit some other time.

#1

Kiki · 07-28-2013, 11:53 PM

I like this especially the end clean up the grammar so it isnt distracting to the reader

as a writer i wont tell u to not break up ur lines like that but it did mess up the rhyme pattern as i read it but hey do what make sense to you :) pretty good and intriguing tho

07-22-2013, 01:00 PM	#3
Wise Wiggles nok Su kow Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,505 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 51788022	dope fucking end __________________ "black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch"

07-20-2013, 04:22 AM	#1
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 523 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 3891097	pabloescoborrow dark episodes re runs catch you when your composed espirto desperado your abuelitas say its not spiritual you question what do i know eyesfold blade like a tanto eys glow like a cats at night one sight allign so now your suns bright black and white im a serious star height a jewel for your far sight getting close understood the symbols when im ghost from parasitic host straight slum hit em with the peroxide the narcs eatin fried chicken on a parkslide in the dark crys from the hawk glide the sky where ether resides walk with me got my barbecue for pork city got my armor too and the slores and there mommas too your honor is skewed if its street i feel like harming you too short and sweet make it a memory you can't delete i gotta learn to have empathy but i can't be beat so i am the one whos ending my escape up the creek of the nape where the moon spins in space lets bring it back to the material planes i can't maintain get my change and feed the bank walk the plank of god where the waters end live in a clean tank and keep a keen eye where all the walls will bend Last edited by brokenhal0; 09-11-2013 at 04:50 AM.

07-22-2013, 06:58 PM	#4
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 523 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 3891097	those last lines made me feel weird so i had to throw em in thanks for reading it fellaz

07-23-2013, 06:38 AM	#5
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Be good if you broke up your shit a little...everythin' seems to just run on and into stuff alot durin' sentences...there's heaps to like though...thought the first line and how you ended things were nice no doubt, overall it's enjoyable. ...Stay uppity.

07-28-2013, 10:57 AM	#6
Pakistani Hand Cannon Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 1,230 Rep Power: 5303583	this was weird, not really sure if i liked it...i think i did for it being intriguing if nothing else & on a side note, fuck breaking your shit up & the punctuation & wdeva else these niggas is talking that has little to no relevance. two words. do you. i might re-read & offer any other thoughts i had directly on this shit some other time. #1

07-28-2013, 11:53 PM	#7
Kiki Junior Member Join Date: May 2013 Location: MI Posts: 17 Rep Power: 37	I like this especially the end clean up the grammar so it isnt distracting to the reader as a writer i wont tell u to not break up ur lines like that but it did mess up the rhyme pattern as i read it but hey do what make sense to you :) pretty good and intriguing tho