Color's

Boredom · 07-21-2013, 06:19 PM

a topical i got no showed on another whack site

feeed me, will rtf

so vivid, a pantheon of visions in a vibrant basis
plant's look wrong, scarabs stuck inside of spaces
spirals laced with desired makeshift tribal faces
it's lively, divine, sublime yet defined by hatred
supplied by lines confines a matrix that lies adjacent
..it reminds of times so vacant..
yet my eyelids try to blind me from what my mind is facing
I try escaping, entangled in a deranged fabrication of reality
a fallacy, deceived by what ever drug it is that challenged me
the most wild of beasts seem to be looming in darkness
i search for my lighter.. i grip it, than spark it
the light reveals my body, protruded, a carcass
my mind is alive yet confused by the hardship
then i awaken and zoom to my target
it's high above, it's what we define as love
yet i find i'm stuck, i sigh and shrug as i try to find what's up
i keep on moving, growing..trying to find what's looming, glowing
it seems i'm doomed to knowing that what i'm choosing slows me
a vision cleared yet lent from shadows
i feel like a sword unsheathed and sent to battle
to forever stray from the relentless cattle
and slay the dismay of recessive assholes
that make life a worry and such a stressful handful
i'll show them the light, perhaps even lend a candle
this is the truth i speak when defined by judgment
assigned by sheets that line corruption
it's a fine obstruction that's refined by justice
but once i find my mind i'll find i trust it
and once you do as well i'll ask you this
will u stay in the shadows where the battle sits?
or be defined by light and take command of it
who was i to judge this cardboard in compacted strips
...it's amazing what you can learn on an acid trip...

Certain · 07-22-2013, 12:00 AM

Some of your wording is interesting, but most of it is lost amid the rhyme scheme. The same could be said by the content. Part of the problem may be the vagueness of the topic choice. An acid trip is one of those things that seems interesting to write about, but there's a reason the druggier psychedelic music of the 1960s and 1970s doesn't stand up lyrically very well. It's all about the sound, taking listeners into the experience aurally.

That said, the rhyme scheme was good. And I know the free association was intentional. I would like to see what you could do with a more confined topic.

Boredom · 07-24-2013, 02:52 PM

uppppp

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9150

07-21-2013, 06:19 PM	#1
Boredom Been On One Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 1,617 Battle Record: 26-28 Champed - Newbie Tournament IV Rep Power: 415110	Color's a topical i got no showed on another whack site feeed me, will rtf so vivid, a pantheon of visions in a vibrant basis plant's look wrong, scarabs stuck inside of spaces spirals laced with desired makeshift tribal faces it's lively, divine, sublime yet defined by hatred supplied by lines confines a matrix that lies adjacent ..it reminds of times so vacant.. yet my eyelids try to blind me from what my mind is facing I try escaping, entangled in a deranged fabrication of reality a fallacy, deceived by what ever drug it is that challenged me the most wild of beasts seem to be looming in darkness i search for my lighter.. i grip it, than spark it the light reveals my body, protruded, a carcass my mind is alive yet confused by the hardship then i awaken and zoom to my target it's high above, it's what we define as love yet i find i'm stuck, i sigh and shrug as i try to find what's up i keep on moving, growing..trying to find what's looming, glowing it seems i'm doomed to knowing that what i'm choosing slows me a vision cleared yet lent from shadows i feel like a sword unsheathed and sent to battle to forever stray from the relentless cattle and slay the dismay of recessive assholes that make life a worry and such a stressful handful i'll show them the light, perhaps even lend a candle this is the truth i speak when defined by judgment assigned by sheets that line corruption it's a fine obstruction that's refined by justice but once i find my mind i'll find i trust it and once you do as well i'll ask you this will u stay in the shadows where the battle sits? or be defined by light and take command of it who was i to judge this cardboard in compacted strips ...it's amazing what you can learn on an acid trip... Last edited by Boredom; 07-21-2013 at 06:21 PM.

07-22-2013, 12:00 AM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Some of your wording is interesting, but most of it is lost amid the rhyme scheme. The same could be said by the content. Part of the problem may be the vagueness of the topic choice. An acid trip is one of those things that seems interesting to write about, but there's a reason the druggier psychedelic music of the 1960s and 1970s doesn't stand up lyrically very well. It's all about the sound, taking listeners into the experience aurally. That said, the rhyme scheme was good. And I know the free association was intentional. I would like to see what you could do with a more confined topic. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

07-24-2013, 02:52 PM	#3
Boredom Been On One Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 1,617 Battle Record: 26-28 Champed - Newbie Tournament IV Rep Power: 415110	uppppp http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9150