some eye catching title

Just Write · 07-22-2013, 02:09 PM

False conceptions, my feet can't walk corrected
Rip off my feeble skull without a thought connected
Lost perceptions, their eyes will close for good.
Rose and stood on a Fucked Life like a Soldier should.
The womb was dark, my birth forgot to bloom a heart,
I grew apart always knowing I was doomed from start
fumes will spark to bring words of a thousand voices...
But the sounds are pointless when my walk has miles of choices

Exis · 07-23-2013, 12:14 AM

Extremely short but sweet as fuck...thought your first bar was ill, after that was tight.Some great multies were found here which kept the flow solid imo, havin' said that I wasn't feelin' the endin' of this line -

I grew apart always knowing I was doomed from start

I know if you'd have thrown in a 'the' between from and start shit would have broken the multie (and made things choppy) but in not doin' so it makes it feel forced when readin' it.That's nit pickin' majorly though as I thought this was dope man, it may not be a long verse yet it'll leave a lastin' impression on most...well it's gonna with me anyways.

Good stuff.

07-22-2013, 02:09 PM	#1
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	some eye catching title False conceptions, my feet can't walk corrected Rip off my feeble skull without a thought connected Lost perceptions, their eyes will close for good. Rose and stood on a Fucked Life like a Soldier should. The womb was dark, my birth forgot to bloom a heart, I grew apart always knowing I was doomed from start fumes will spark to bring words of a thousand voices... But the sounds are pointless when my walk has miles of choices __________________ Last edited by Just Write; 07-22-2013 at 06:55 PM.

07-23-2013, 12:14 AM	#2
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Extremely short but sweet as fuck...thought your first bar was ill, after that was tight.Some great multies were found here which kept the flow solid imo, havin' said that I wasn't feelin' the endin' of this line - I grew apart always knowing I was doomed from start I know if you'd have thrown in a 'the' between from and start shit would have broken the multie (and made things choppy) but in not doin' so it makes it feel forced when readin' it.That's nit pickin' majorly though as I thought this was dope man, it may not be a long verse yet it'll leave a lastin' impression on most...well it's gonna with me anyways. Good stuff.