Sensual Mute

Spoken · 07-26-2013, 06:10 AM

My view of life at first hand

Sensual Mute

At the age of the ages I knew life was a fragrant,
That grew wild not flagrant... Just a hopeless that's cased in.
To the tainted and sacred between hell and it's fortress,
A solitude for an orphan who managed escaping abortion.
Past had him contorted; just lonely with tears,
A grimacing sheer of pain... etching back odd years.
Philanthropy; the fear, had him scurry to darkness,
Cold shoulder W/ monsters trying to suffice his conscience.
Knife is the tool- choice of torture to harness,
Kept the promise to harvest life W/ death disregarded.
No mercy was postured and stayed strict to the rule,
Feelings imbrued- captivating chemistry clues.
Pro posteriors fools pulling antics to shelve me cruel,
The sceptic artist who give paparazzi some shit to include.
The Babylon if of a new coming, a path that hurls,
No matter the obstacles that captured the world.
16 hours straight- a pain unbearable and not lightly imaged,
But she was a nose guard for protection fighting for scrimmage.
Percentage w/ out limits cause she had more to be given,
Birth of twins but only one lives.. Cause I was carved to be livin'.

My brother had passed since the day I first cried,
And it wasn't cuz I was a newborn or that I was alive..
-It's cus I witnessed first hand my only brother struggle to survive then die.

Certain · 07-26-2013, 01:25 PM

Though there were a few standout lines, I found myself struggling through awkward word choices. For instance, in the first two lines, "fragrant" and "hopeless" are used as nouns. "Fragrance" and "hopelessness" probably were the intended words. "Monsters trying to suffice his conscience" didn't make sense to me, either, as "suffice" means "to satisfy." Also, nose guard is a defensive position.

I only bring this up because the verse had a lot of potential, but the sloppiness made it difficult to fully appreciate. I had to reread some lines several times to figure out what you were going for.

The ending was really strong, though. There were no minced words there, and a lot clicked after reading it. I didn't see it coming, but lines like "knife is the tool" and "Pro posteriors fools pulling antics to shelve me" made more sense with context.

Spoken · 07-26-2013, 08:32 PM

Thanks honestly appreciate the feed I'm still improving

07-26-2013, 06:10 AM	#1
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860413	Sensual Mute My view of life at first hand Sensual Mute At the age of the ages I knew life was a fragrant, That grew wild not flagrant... Just a hopeless that's cased in. To the tainted and sacred between hell and it's fortress, A solitude for an orphan who managed escaping abortion. Past had him contorted; just lonely with tears, A grimacing sheer of pain... etching back odd years. Philanthropy; the fear, had him scurry to darkness, Cold shoulder W/ monsters trying to suffice his conscience. Knife is the tool- choice of torture to harness, Kept the promise to harvest life W/ death disregarded. No mercy was postured and stayed strict to the rule, Feelings imbrued- captivating chemistry clues. Pro posteriors fools pulling antics to shelve me cruel, The sceptic artist who give paparazzi some shit to include. The Babylon if of a new coming, a path that hurls, No matter the obstacles that captured the world. 16 hours straight- a pain unbearable and not lightly imaged, But she was a nose guard for protection fighting for scrimmage. Percentage w/ out limits cause she had more to be given, Birth of twins but only one lives.. Cause I was carved to be livin'. My brother had passed since the day I first cried, And it wasn't cuz I was a newborn or that I was alive.. -It's cus I witnessed first hand my only brother struggle to survive then die. __________________ WP Po'ethics

07-26-2013, 01:25 PM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Though there were a few standout lines, I found myself struggling through awkward word choices. For instance, in the first two lines, "fragrant" and "hopeless" are used as nouns. "Fragrance" and "hopelessness" probably were the intended words. "Monsters trying to suffice his conscience" didn't make sense to me, either, as "suffice" means "to satisfy." Also, nose guard is a defensive position. I only bring this up because the verse had a lot of potential, but the sloppiness made it difficult to fully appreciate. I had to reread some lines several times to figure out what you were going for. The ending was really strong, though. There were no minced words there, and a lot clicked after reading it. I didn't see it coming, but lines like "knife is the tool" and "Pro posteriors fools pulling antics to shelve me" made more sense with context. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

07-26-2013, 08:32 PM	#3
Spoken ...DA GAWD... Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 2,355 Battle Record: 13-34 Rep Power: 5860413	Thanks honestly appreciate the feed I'm still improving __________________ WP Po'ethics