cliff jumping

YDK · 07-28-2013, 02:43 AM

I write to you today my friends
To say I feel I'm at the end.
Do not cry at my demise,
I accept my fate,
I will not hide.

I've been searching for meaning, values, and verification
on the rare occasion I found any, it lacked clarification.
I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people...
Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful
Wistful looks with despair in their eyes;
Uncaring of life because their struggle just dared them to die
Yet I share in their strife. Concrete feet when I run,
No social life to speak of but why bother with one?
I've only fathered one but I've been a father to some,
Now I claim just two children of my own, my beautiful daughter and son.
I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too)
I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu)
standing at the precipice and spitting off the edge of it,
ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence.
Subtle symptoms of depression; I oppressed them so previously
but my stresses kept pressing; eventually I set them free.
Suicidal side effects affecting lives with no regrets,
Humbling o live through so scars are just for show (in jest).
My conscience Burns from things I've learned
I want to help you too.
You will never see who I see in you,
Until you split yourself in two.
Physically and mentally; what's meant to be?
You can't ignore.
For I have climbed the mountain of insanity,
And became better than before.
When you're on the verge of stopping your climb up
And you're debating to wait or drop...
Just remember what I've said to you,
Because the view is greater from the top.

Goodbye

PancakeBrah · 07-28-2013, 02:58 AM

This was good. Okay and good. The writing was maddening at times. For instance,

"I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people...
Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful"

When I first read the piece and come to that first line, I thought 'damn'. But it's just continued in the second line with a thought that's so generic and generically worded. If you had just wrote "I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people..." then started the next line as a new thought...that's power. Great use of an ellipsis and a nice thought to compliment it. Maddening.

"I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too)
I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu)"

I'm a sucker for parenthetical phrases and this got me. They work as inner thoughts and a way to set up rhymes in a non-standard way. Enjoyed this immensely.

"ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence."

Dope. Usually when you do lines like this I don't enjoy them but this was perfect. A moment of self-awareness imaged as a line in an open mic. Great.

"You will never see who I see in you,"

I swear I've read this a thousand times, but maybe a word is different here or there. Whatever it is, this line struck me the most out of the entire piece. Heartfelt and real. One of my favorite stand alone lines I've read this month. Like I said, I know it's been done before, but something made it work. Maybe the subconscious connection from the piece both before and after it, maybe just the wording, maybe that you meant it. Who knows. But congrats.

Sadly "split yourself in two" falls into the maddening part of my critique. I know it falls in line with your next line thereafter (mentally/physically) but I still don't like it. I'm going to chose to strike against you and read the "see in you" line as a stand-alone thought without the clarification of the next two lines. Simply because I enjoyed it that much and don't want to sully it.

"You can't ignore.
For I have climbed the mountain of insanity,
And became better than before."

The best section of the piece. 'For' was good. The thought was nice. I read this and nodded my head. You're doing you.

"Because the view is greater from the top."

Good ending.

Enjoyed this much more than 'prism full of bitches'. There were definitely some downfalls and portions I would personally rework but also moments I'm jealous of as a writer.

Keep it up.

Split · 07-28-2013, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YDK

I write to you today my friends
To say I feel I'm at the end.
Do not cry at my demise,
I accept my fate,
I will not hide.
> simple straightforward introduction. Just on a technical note, you can sometimes get away with planting more abstract or hard to reach ideas in your opener that the rest of your piece can synthesize. Like a subconscious thesis statement.

I've been searching for meaning, values, and verification
on the rare occasion I found any, it lacked clarification.
I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people...
Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful
>felt a little bit trite
Wistful looks with despair in their eyes;
Uncaring of life because their struggle just dared them to die
Yet I share in their strife. Concrete feet when I run,
No social life to speak of but why bother with one?
>didnt like cliched references to "the struggle" and "strife"
I've only fathered one but I've been a father to some,
Now I claim just two children of my own, my beautiful daughter and son.
I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too)
I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu)
> ok, cool. "And rum too" added a nice touch of personality
standing at the precipice and spitting off the edge of it,
ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence.
>strong scheme there
Subtle symptoms of depression; I oppressed them so previously
but my stresses kept pressing; eventually I set them free.
Suicidal side effects affecting lives with no regrets,
Humbling o live through so scars are just for show (in jest).
>couldve resolved that last line better. Why are you trivializing your past?
My conscience Burns from things I've learned
I want to help you too.
You will never see who I see in you,
Until you split yourself in two.
Physically and mentally; what's meant to be?
You can't ignore.
For I have climbed the mountain of insanity,
And became better than before.
When you're on the verge of stopping your climb up
And you're debating to wait or drop...
Just remember what I've said to you,
Because the view is greater from the top.
>decent end

Goodbye

Despite the occasional cliche, the verse felt fresh. At the very least honest and/ or real. Many times you adapted complex conceptual relationships "You will never see who I see in you/ until you split yourself in two" and then fizzled out "physically/ mentally". It is proper and isn't grasping at straws, but at the same time I don't think that was necessarily the idea you were trying to encapsulate in most of the verse

Your structure and form was very free here, it helped your writing a lot. The elements are all solidly in place, your writing is starting to shine. Could have been a more meaty verse, but at the same time was very clear and not vague or ambiguous anywhere. Looking forward to reading a verse from you with more raw imagery and emotion in this practiced and refined form. Nice work! Keep keyin

Pakistani Hand Cannon · 07-28-2013, 10:46 AM

i aint fucked to be quoting shit & breaking things down at the moment,

i'll just tell you i thought this was nice

quite a few lines i liked, a couple i didnt

one the whole though, i didnt mind tha read so thats what it is

#1

Coup · 07-28-2013, 09:17 PM

IMO this was written in away that was very digestible and smooth...no confusion, no jarring moments, but also no real depth to me...it was safe in the sense you described common situations known/experienced to us all and because of that it was relatable... and almost like a blanket verse, covering all with one...and because of that, it read like you barley scratched the surface and did not offer 'you' in this...

As letter to one, I figure and expect specific details to the symptoms written about would be revealed and not just hinted at in a board way....Not sure your purpose but more finger pointing could serve you better. Even though this was a 'letter' it still is a verse.

I do understand how I may sound contradictory because you did offer details, such as how you fathered kids, and were a figure to others, your baptism, your faith...but then you branch out into generalizations.

Quote:

I've been searching for meaning, values, and verification
on the rare occasion I found any, it lacked clarification.

elaborate and finish this off, make it personal to the context you establish

I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people...
Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful

elaborate and finish this off with poetic deceives or something to bring this into the world

Wistful looks with despair in their eyes;
Uncaring of life because their struggle just dared them to die
Yet I share in their strife. Concrete feet when I run,
No social life to speak of but why bother with one?

Each of these statements could have benefited from a few lines offering exploration

I liked the quite reflection of your closing lines...a slow build up and your fizzled out carefully with some food for thought

Quote:

My conscience Burns from things I've learned
I want to help you too.
You will never see who I see in you,
Until you split yourself in two.
Physically and mentally; what's meant to be?
You can't ignore.
For I have climbed the mountain of insanity,
And became better than before.
When you're on the verge of stopping your climb up
And you're debating to wait or drop...
Just remember what I've said to you,
Because the view is greater from the top.

besides these lines standing well on their own you did not really touch on them in the developments above it. For example, what did you learn ? Who is this person you want to help ? You state obstacles to climb and conquer but did you show us any ? They are just statements.

all in all there are two sides in this letter. I felt you focused on only one...which was describing the situation via feelings...the other side would be context and build examples around those to express it outside of saying it only as if only in passing or small talk...

The other side of this that I felt left out would be to include things tangible that either in imagery, metaphor or other poetic device or exposition to set this verse up on another level...

this is just me. I'll stop at the risk of sounding like a douche.

not bad...just a thought I had. don't get me wrong this verse works and is actually well done...and if you are opening to others reaction then you just got mine. if not, continue on cos this was good.

YDK · 07-29-2013, 02:04 AM

Thanks for the feed guys, on the real I tried to keep this generalized so it could speak to the general population. If I were to be too specific it wouldn't fit the piece as I had wanted it to give a sense of courage to anybody going through a hard spot. I. Will try to drop a more metaphorical piece here soon tho so be looking for it

Coup · 07-29-2013, 09:14 AM

YDK I suspected that was your approach tbh...I was hesitant to say what I did.

Zombie · 07-29-2013, 12:02 PM

An ensemble of words written in symphony with reason to believe you're sick and
tired of it.

YDK · 07-29-2013, 11:05 PM

Its all good coup I def appreciate the feed

Word · 08-06-2013, 04:10 AM

This is a really good piece of writing, well thought out... and it flowed in a good direction (iow it didn't just reapeat stuff or have random thoughts strewn together) I enjoyed this very much, and if I had read it without knowing the author, i wouldn't thought of it as being one of your drops, it's much different then what I've seen from you in the past... some very powerful sentiments.... a very deep drop, imho... very nice work :)

Kold Breeze · 08-06-2013, 11:52 AM

This composition spoke volumes to me. Because of my shitty phone, I cant get too in depth with my review, But I must say that the beginning -

'I write to you today my friends
To say I feel I'm at the end.
Do not cry at my demise,
I accept my fate,
I will not hide.'

Had me hooked from jumpstreet, lol. The other part that had me l

Kold Breeze · 08-06-2013, 11:54 AM

This composition spoke volumes to me. Because of my shitty phone, I cant get too in depth with my review, But I must say that the beginning -

'I write to you today my friends
To say I feel I'm at the end.
Do not cry at my demise,
I accept my fate,
I will not hide.'

Had me hooked from jumpstreet, lol. The other part that had me hooked was-

'Now I claim just two children of my own, my beautiful daughter and son.
I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too)
I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu)
standing at the precipice and spitting off the edge of it,
ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence.'

I really relate to this so, this had me stukk.

A great verse overall, I think. Keep it up....

07-28-2013, 02:58 AM	#2
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	This was good. Okay and good. The writing was maddening at times. For instance, "I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people... Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful" When I first read the piece and come to that first line, I thought 'damn'. But it's just continued in the second line with a thought that's so generic and generically worded. If you had just wrote "I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people..." then started the next line as a new thought...that's power. Great use of an ellipsis and a nice thought to compliment it. Maddening. "I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too) I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu)" I'm a sucker for parenthetical phrases and this got me. They work as inner thoughts and a way to set up rhymes in a non-standard way. Enjoyed this immensely. "ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence." Dope. Usually when you do lines like this I don't enjoy them but this was perfect. A moment of self-awareness imaged as a line in an open mic. Great. "You will never see who I see in you," I swear I've read this a thousand times, but maybe a word is different here or there. Whatever it is, this line struck me the most out of the entire piece. Heartfelt and real. One of my favorite stand alone lines I've read this month. Like I said, I know it's been done before, but something made it work. Maybe the subconscious connection from the piece both before and after it, maybe just the wording, maybe that you meant it. Who knows. But congrats. Sadly "split yourself in two" falls into the maddening part of my critique. I know it falls in line with your next line thereafter (mentally/physically) but I still don't like it. I'm going to chose to strike against you and read the "see in you" line as a stand-alone thought without the clarification of the next two lines. Simply because I enjoyed it that much and don't want to sully it. "You can't ignore. For I have climbed the mountain of insanity, And became better than before." The best section of the piece. 'For' was good. The thought was nice. I read this and nodded my head. You're doing you. "Because the view is greater from the top." Good ending. Enjoyed this much more than 'prism full of bitches'. There were definitely some downfalls and portions I would personally rework but also moments I'm jealous of as a writer. Keep it up. __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder Last edited by PancakeBrah; 07-28-2013 at 03:50 AM. Reason: also, not almost, in the recap*

07-29-2013, 02:04 AM	#6
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Thanks for the feed guys, on the real I tried to keep this generalized so it could speak to the general population. If I were to be too specific it wouldn't fit the piece as I had wanted it to give a sense of courage to anybody going through a hard spot. I. Will try to drop a more metaphorical piece here soon tho so be looking for it __________________

07-29-2013, 11:05 PM	#9
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Its all good coup I def appreciate the feed __________________

07-28-2013, 02:43 AM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	cliff jumping I write to you today my friends To say I feel I'm at the end. Do not cry at my demise, I accept my fate, I will not hide. I've been searching for meaning, values, and verification on the rare occasion I found any, it lacked clarification. I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people... Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful Wistful looks with despair in their eyes; Uncaring of life because their struggle just dared them to die Yet I share in their strife. Concrete feet when I run, No social life to speak of but why bother with one? I've only fathered one but I've been a father to some, Now I claim just two children of my own, my beautiful daughter and son. I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too) I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu) standing at the precipice and spitting off the edge of it, ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence. Subtle symptoms of depression; I oppressed them so previously but my stresses kept pressing; eventually I set them free. Suicidal side effects affecting lives with no regrets, Humbling o live through so scars are just for show (in jest). My conscience Burns from things I've learned I want to help you too. You will never see who I see in you, Until you split yourself in two. Physically and mentally; what's meant to be? You can't ignore. For I have climbed the mountain of insanity, And became better than before. When you're on the verge of stopping your climb up And you're debating to wait or drop... Just remember what I've said to you, Because the view is greater from the top. Goodbye __________________

07-28-2013, 10:46 AM	#4
Pakistani Hand Cannon Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 1,230 Rep Power: 5303583	i aint fucked to be quoting shit & breaking things down at the moment, i'll just tell you i thought this was nice quite a few lines i liked, a couple i didnt one the whole though, i didnt mind tha read so thats what it is #1

07-29-2013, 09:14 AM	#7
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	YDK I suspected that was your approach tbh...I was hesitant to say what I did.

07-29-2013, 12:02 PM	#8
Zombie Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 125 Battle Record: 5-0 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 2645340	An ensemble of words written in symphony with reason to believe you're sick and tired of it.

08-06-2013, 04:10 AM	#10
Word Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 18 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 0	This is a really good piece of writing, well thought out... and it flowed in a good direction (iow it didn't just reapeat stuff or have random thoughts strewn together) I enjoyed this very much, and if I had read it without knowing the author, i wouldn't thought of it as being one of your drops, it's much different then what I've seen from you in the past... some very powerful sentiments.... a very deep drop, imho... very nice work :)

08-06-2013, 11:52 AM	#11
Kold Breeze Nokyo Genosyde Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: South Side Posts: 14 Rep Power: 37	This composition spoke volumes to me. Because of my shitty phone, I cant get too in depth with my review, But I must say that the beginning - 'I write to you today my friends To say I feel I'm at the end. Do not cry at my demise, I accept my fate, I will not hide.' Had me hooked from jumpstreet, lol. The other part that had me l

08-06-2013, 11:54 AM	#12
Kold Breeze Nokyo Genosyde Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: South Side Posts: 14 Rep Power: 37	This composition spoke volumes to me. Because of my shitty phone, I cant get too in depth with my review, But I must say that the beginning - 'I write to you today my friends To say I feel I'm at the end. Do not cry at my demise, I accept my fate, I will not hide.' Had me hooked from jumpstreet, lol. The other part that had me hooked was- 'Now I claim just two children of my own, my beautiful daughter and son. I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too) I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu) standing at the precipice and spitting off the edge of it, ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence.' I really relate to this so, this had me stukk. A great verse overall, I think. Keep it up....