my dog took a shit

Bodey · 08-09-2013, 03:28 AM

my dog took a shit on my floor today
steamy-ass pile of a poor display
representation of the corporate prey
closed the door- dismayed-
i tore the fork from steak
and stabbed the corn and ate
the fuck is goin on in the world? i think
i need some mashed potatoes on this imagined plate
a magnet stays on a note with a flattened gaze
which is at a stage where it gets mad and strays
across the kitchen floor til its at my waist
squeezin me til i break, but i'm only dead for days
eventually i'm up, but my soul is gone
it left the same time the fridge broke, that the note was on
lemme look into a mirror just to spit upon the glass
let it drip and smear the facts til its blurry but it lasts
stuff the memories in back, middle finger to the past
find the poop scooper, put a cork in snoopy s ass

Certain · 08-09-2013, 06:16 AM

This didn't feel so much like a complete thought as a photograph of your kitchen. The rhymes were good, but the line variation gave it a sort of awkward flow, where I was rushing some lines and slowing down on others. That might be intended, though.

There wasn't enough wit to make this funny, though the entire premise of starting and ending a verse while talking about your dog's feces was bizarre and comical. Some wordplay would have brought out the humor a lot more. That random existentialism in the middle of the verse was weird, too, again making it feel more like a cypher than a verse. But in that context, it was fun and interesting, a slice of the mind.

Brian Bryan · 08-09-2013, 06:37 AM

lmao thread title of the year

seemed like a quick key, so it was cool for what it was i guess

not really a whole lot to sit and critique other than it seeming like just a writing exercise done quickly to get your creativity going and keep your pen game on point

we all do it

good to see you back, Bodie

Keep that pen moving!

08-09-2013, 06:16 AM	#2
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	This didn't feel so much like a complete thought as a photograph of your kitchen. The rhymes were good, but the line variation gave it a sort of awkward flow, where I was rushing some lines and slowing down on others. That might be intended, though. There wasn't enough wit to make this funny, though the entire premise of starting and ending a verse while talking about your dog's feces was bizarre and comical. Some wordplay would have brought out the humor a lot more. That random existentialism in the middle of the verse was weird, too, again making it feel more like a cypher than a verse. But in that context, it was fun and interesting, a slice of the mind. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.

08-09-2013, 06:37 AM	#3
Brian Bryan BITER Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: England Posts: 620 Battle Record: 4-0 Champed - Gimmick Battle League Rep Power: 0	lmao thread title of the year seemed like a quick key, so it was cool for what it was i guess not really a whole lot to sit and critique other than it seeming like just a writing exercise done quickly to get your creativity going and keep your pen game on point we all do it good to see you back, Bodie Keep that pen moving!