"Flutterby, Butterfly" - Brian Bryan vs. MMLP

Brian Bryan · 08-09-2013, 04:36 AM

We both wrote to this random image. His verse to follow. Any votes/feedback on who had the better verse are welcomed. Enjoy or endure!

I broke free from the chrysalis of my sheltered youth
See me, I was different. I needed significance.
Some’s freedom is limited by how far they choose to dream
and for that reason it’s vision that sets apart the ‘you’ and ‘me’.
I’d started to believe that I could go the distance. You
were motioning persistently – I opened my precocious wings and flew
in the hope the winds that blew would deliver me to prosperity
- The unknown a kingdom soon to be considered in ones destiny -
as I shifted my limbs restlessly, got my feet up off the ground,
and I quickened with intensity while leaving my surroundings.
See me, I’d want to scout every commune and oasis
knowing dreams are often found in the most peculiar places
but I knew I could make it if I reached upright and strained.
The pursuit of our favourite things gets easier by the day
to achieve and I’ve obtained mine while you‘ve sat beneath the sky
forget the shadow I leave behind, just remember the fact you’ve seen me fly…

Brian Bryan · 08-09-2013, 05:17 AM

Is this art or pointless/ either way im part annoyed
I cant enjoy its meaning, the freedom to think, if in doubt,
Trying to be an envoy of reason, which destroys my being
With money comes freedom, but money is all I think about
My mindset is hardly perfected/ reaching out with a song
And a hands on approach like this artists perspective.
The butterfly plays the part/ of struggling upcomings
That were never planned/ a lending hand, laid the guard
To embrace the arms you’ll forever have, everlasting sentiment
If everyone meant what they said there’d be no place for Art!

Certain · 08-10-2013, 03:42 AM

Brian Bryan, your verse was clearly the better of the two. I thought you made a big risk by going off rhyme so early, and it definitely jammed up the flow to start a bit. I prefer to do something like that midway through a verse, particularly when I'm riding one rhyme heavily. But I think it worked here, at least on my second read. The butterfly metaphor wasn't new or clever, but you had good reason to use it and pulled it off seamlessly. In 16 lines, you told a full story. That's solid writing.

MMLP's verse had the similar off-rhyme start, but it didn't work. Most of his verse didn't, from schematic or content perspectives. I don't even know why he agreed to write to that image if he disliked it so much.

08-09-2013, 04:36 AM	#1
Brian Bryan BITER Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: England Posts: 620 Battle Record: 4-0 Champed - Gimmick Battle League Rep Power: 0	"Flutterby, Butterfly" - Brian Bryan vs. MMLP We both wrote to this random image. His verse to follow. Any votes/feedback on who had the better verse are welcomed. Enjoy or endure! I broke free from the chrysalis of my sheltered youth See me, I was different. I needed significance. Some’s freedom is limited by how far they choose to dream and for that reason it’s vision that sets apart the ‘you’ and ‘me’. I’d started to believe that I could go the distance. You were motioning persistently – I opened my precocious wings and flew in the hope the winds that blew would deliver me to prosperity - The unknown a kingdom soon to be considered in ones destiny - as I shifted my limbs restlessly, got my feet up off the ground, and I quickened with intensity while leaving my surroundings. See me, I’d want to scout every commune and oasis knowing dreams are often found in the most peculiar places but I knew I could make it if I reached upright and strained. The pursuit of our favourite things gets easier by the day to achieve and I’ve obtained mine while you‘ve sat beneath the sky forget the shadow I leave behind, just remember the fact you’ve seen me fly… Last edited by Brian Bryan; 08-09-2013 at 05:16 AM.

08-09-2013, 05:17 AM	#2
Brian Bryan BITER Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: England Posts: 620 Battle Record: 4-0 Champed - Gimmick Battle League Rep Power: 0	Is this art or pointless/ either way im part annoyed I cant enjoy its meaning, the freedom to think, if in doubt, Trying to be an envoy of reason, which destroys my being With money comes freedom, but money is all I think about My mindset is hardly perfected/ reaching out with a song And a hands on approach like this artists perspective. The butterfly plays the part/ of struggling upcomings That were never planned/ a lending hand, laid the guard To embrace the arms you’ll forever have, everlasting sentiment If everyone meant what they said there’d be no place for Art! Last edited by Brian Bryan; 08-09-2013 at 09:14 AM.

08-10-2013, 03:42 AM	#3
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Brian Bryan, your verse was clearly the better of the two. I thought you made a big risk by going off rhyme so early, and it definitely jammed up the flow to start a bit. I prefer to do something like that midway through a verse, particularly when I'm riding one rhyme heavily. But I think it worked here, at least on my second read. The butterfly metaphor wasn't new or clever, but you had good reason to use it and pulled it off seamlessly. In 16 lines, you told a full story. That's solid writing. MMLP's verse had the similar off-rhyme start, but it didn't work. Most of his verse didn't, from schematic or content perspectives. I don't even know why he agreed to write to that image if he disliked it so much. __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.